Someone Like You
by Nerfworthy
Summary: See life through Envy's eyes as he tries to start over in America with his best friend Ling after moving from Japan to sever ties with his criminal parents. He has no idea life is about to change for him forever when he meets a golden-haired boy named Edward. AU. BL. Edvy. Explicit yaoi in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1 - My Name is Envy

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

Warnings: This story may contain themes including but not limited to; violence, depression, suicide, gender miss-identification, homosexuality, rape, incest, and suggestions at gang-related activities.

If any of those things offend you, please do not continue.

My depiction of these characters is not very canon at all, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Chapter 1

My name is Envy

Konnichiwa. Hajime mashite, Kazumoto Envy desu. Or, at least that's what I'd say if I were still in Japan. My name is Envy Midori Kazumoto, but that's the long version. I prefer just Envy, because what possessed my parents to give me such a hideously long name eludes me. Don't even get me started on my middle name. To me it's a cruel joke, but apparently 'someone' thought they were being witty. Ha, ha. So funny. Oh, maybe I should explain this one. Midori is the word for 'green' in Japanese. Get it? Envy Green? "Green with Envy"..? See, not funny at all.

Anyway, usually middle names are not given in Japan, but that's where it gets tricky. I was actually my parents' first born, and I was birthed right here in the United States, ever so briefly residing in this chaotic realm of living that most people call New York City. So, it really wasn't all that strange that my folks decided to go ahead and give me a third name since I was 'special'. It's sort of shadowed over my head my entire life that I wasn't born in Japan, so I'm not really Japanese, and it's real old by now. It was only a short stay in the US though, and before you know it my entire family relocated back to the bustling metropolis of Tokyo, and I've pretty much been there ever since.

Well, until now, that is. I just turned 20, which is the legal age of 'adulthood' in Japan, and I blew that popstand as quickly as I could to get away from my family. I probably don't need to tell you that my family is from Japan originally, unless you somehow were so oblivious as to not notice my extremely oriental surname. My mother's name is Lust Kazumoto, and my father is Greed Kazumoto. Ironic, huh? I guess they had to keep the tradition of having a family of sins by naming me after the worst sin of them all. I have only one sibling; a younger brother named Wrath. Unfortunately for him, he's a lot younger than me so I wasn't able to take him with me. He's a little hellion at 13, but I promised him I'd come back for him someday. Hopefully when he's older and less annoying.

How the Kazumoto family came to be in New York and why the hell I was born here is a story for another time, though, trust me. You really don't want to know. They can stay in Japan forever for all I care. I've thought about changing my name too. Maybe just drop off all the clutter and just go by 'Envy'. I'm seriously considering it.

I don't even really look Japanese, but my hair and complexion completely gives me away. I have the longest, straightest, blackest hair of anyone you'll ever meet and I am pale as a ghost. I would probably say the most unusual thing about my appearance is my eyes. They are a dark but have a very distinct violet hue which is hard to notice unless in good lighting. It's heredity, unfortunately. My entire family is plagued (or so I like to call it) with these purple eyes which are just another reminder of where I came from. Most of the time I think people just assume I have black or dark brown eyes, which I am perfectly okay with them thinking that. People say I'm striking and attractive, but when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize the person I see. In fact, I try to avoid mirrors entirely.

I could give you my whole life story right now but it would take forever, and not to mention it's really boring, so why don't I just start with what I'm doing right this minute. Hmm, currently I am sitting here, in my crappy depressing apartment, at my piano, having an intense case of writer's block. Yes, I am a musician in case I failed to mention that earlier. Not a very successful one, though, but I would never admit that out loud. As far as anyone knows, the entire world is in the palm of my hand. Okay that might be a slight exaggeration, but you get my point.

So, here I sit, staring down at the familiar expanse of white and black. My hair falls into my face annoyingly, and I deftly sweep it with my hand and tuck the loose strands of black behind my ear and let out an audible sigh. My long, delicate-looking fingers trace the ivory keys idly, and I cringe inwardly as my eyes linger on them. Too delicate. Feminine, even. I silently begin to loathe my own hand as I'm suddenly drawn out of my own thoughts by the peculiar feeling of eyes on me.

I finally look up, and see someone familiar standing in the doorway, leaning lazily against the frame with his arms folded and an almost bored look on his face as he watches me. I wonder how long he's been standing there. I take a moment to appreciate his appearance. He looks much more Japanese than I ever could, with his thick shoulder-length ebony hair in a neat pony tail and his perfectly sculpted, slightly tanned face that seems to never have the slightest blemish on it. A few strands fall out due to being too short near the front, but I personally think it gives him some character. He dressed in black slacks, and a sickeningly simple white tee and the reason I say sickeningly is because he just makes it look great with zero effort. I guess I forgot to mention someone came with me when I bailed. It's my best friend in the entire world, Ling Yao. He's a year younger than me at 19, but far more accomplished than me in life in every way.

"Heeeeeey Envy," he calls to me, causing a small smile to tug at the corner of my mouth. I momentarily forget about my melancholy with him around.

"Nandayo, baka?" I ask playfully, causing Ling to advance on me and punch me right in the shoulder. We have the habit of occasionally bantering in Japanese.

"Nanimo, nanimo," he says, chuckling softly.

"Owwwww, that hurt you asshole!" I whine in near-perfect English as I rubbed my shoulder, much to his pleasure if at all indicated by his shit-eating grin. His accent is much thicker than mine, but I spent a good deal of time preparing and studying English before I moved so I wouldn't have any reason to go back to Japan.

"So, nothing's coming to you still?" Ling asks me with genuine concern suddenly lacing his face. I hesitate, taking in a breath. That told him everything he needed to know without me having to say a word. That's what I love about Ling, I don't really have to explain myself to him. He just knows.

"Ah, you'll figure something out, Envy-chan," he says, ruffling my hair with his hand. I frown irritably, immediately moving to smooth out the now haphazard strands.

"Yeah, sure," I say without conviction as I stand and push the piano bench back into place, casting a side-long glance at the keys once more.

I've been writing songs for this company who does ads and commercials for TV. 'Jingles', they call them, and I can't even express my hatred for that term in words. Lately though, I've just been coming up empty-handed, or they don't like what I have, and it's starting to get to me. Stress is not what I need right now on top of everything else. I need money, and I don't know how else to make it. I refuse to do anything illegal, and I will not give up and return to Japan. I refuse to live the same lifestyle as my parents. I just have to keep struggling on, but at least I am not alone. I have Ling. He works evenings at this really fancy restaurant as a chef. He may not look it, but he's actually an amazing cook. It's a good thing too because I can't cook to save my life, I will literally burn water.

He just smiles at me again in that oddly comforting way of his, causing my heart to do flip flops. Oh, did I not mention I also have a very severe and very secret crush on my best friend? It's kind of a touchy subject for me, and I'm fairly certain Ling has no clue because he's as straight as they come. He's constantly flirting with girls and I have to make a genuine effort to not turn green when he does it (there goes that pun again..I really do fit my namesake after all).

"It's almost noon, and you've been in here sulking all morning long." Ling chided me, evidently not noticing my face turning a very slightly rosy hue as he tugged on the sleeve of my shirt, indicating he wanted to go out and do something. Damn my skin, it shows every little emotion I possess. I shake myself internally, managing a smile.

"You're right, I shouldn't worry about this anymore today," I sigh, as if all my worries would exit my body with just that one puff of air. "It's Friday, after all. I have the entire weekend until I have to present something substantial to them on Monday." I say to him, fortunately feeling the heat in my cheeks going down as I talk about work.

Ling has to work tonight, but you wouldn't know it with how happy and bubbly he is. Just being around him makes you feel better, you literally cannot be upset around this guy. He continued along with me in tow, quickly leading me out of the apartment and down the road. Neither of us could drive, or even owned a car for that matter so we had to pretty much walk or bike everywhere. Not that I mind, I actually enjoy the fresh air after being stuck in a music room all morning.

"Where are we going?" I demand in a less-than-confident voice, and he simply smirks at me.

"Crazy." he replies simply, knowing it will make me nuts not knowing.

I sigh, knowing it's a lost cause to try and argue with him and just continue walking alongside him. I'm a little taller than Ling, but not by much. My hair hangs to about my lower back, so it's no easy matter to keep it tame. I suddenly realize I didn't really do anything with it before we left as I keep brushing it away from my face. Ling seemed to take notice of this.

"Why don't you put it up, like I do?" he asks with genuine curiosity.

"I don't know," I stutter with a small shrug. I never really did put up my hair, but sometimes I wear a headband or put clips in it to keep it away from my face.

"You didn't really give me a chance to do anything with it before you dragged me out here to go to who-knows-where with you," I complained haughtily, causing him to laugh.

"Envy, you're such a girl sometimes," he commented, catching me off-guard.

"Am not!" I nearly shrieked, my defense going up instantly. Ling must have realized what he said, because he instantly puts his hands in the air in an 'I surrender' sort of way.

"Geez I'm sorry, I was just joking with you, calm down man. You know I didn't mean it." Ling gave a small nervous laugh, tilting his head to the side cutely.

My hackles are still raised from his comment, and I could just spit nails. I guess I need to explain this a little here. This has been an issue my entire life. Pretty much everyone thinks I'm a girl at first glance, and I've been taunted about it through school and just about every other kind of social gathering you could think of that one might attend during their life. It's been sort of a thing for me and I instantly get defensive over it, and I might possibly even over react a little. I'm not a girl, not at all. I clearly don't have the right parts. I don't even really like girls that much, though I don't really dislike them either. Ugh, I'm just not one, okay? I'm just...me. What ever 'me' is. I'm Envy, nothing more and nothing less. I'm not a girl.

"I'm ..not-" I repeat my internal thought out loud as I slowly deflate, the weight of things suddenly crashing down on me in this one moment and the force of it nearly sends me to my knees.

"Envy?" Ling knelt down beside me, placing a warm hand on my shoulder as I realized I actually did fall to my knees. When did that happen?.. I feel very faint and dizzy as Ling's voice floats into my consciousness. It takes me a moment to realize he's speaking to me. "Envy, it's all right. Have you taken your pill today?" he asks in a deliberately gentle voice as if he were afraid to upset me again. I shake my head slightly, rubbing at my eyes. Ling's face slowly comes into focus, and I blink back tears threatening to spill.

"I don't remember," I answer truthfully. I had other things on my mind...more important things to worry about than some stupid pill.

Ling sighs, pulling me to my feet and putting his arm around my shoulders in an almost protective way, pointedly ignoring the stares we were getting from passersby.

"C'mon, I'm taking you back home. We can go out tomorrow, ne?" he said, smiling his wonderful smile again, acting as if nothing happened at all. I give a slight nod, leaning into him as he leads me back to my dingy apartment that I share with him. Truth be told I don't really want to go back, but I know I need to and it's all my fault. Stupid, stupid. How could I be so stupid? Ling must really think I'm worthless, causing a scene like that in the middle of the sidewalk.

I continue to inwardly hate myself as we near the apartment door, and I pull away slightly from Ling to fish in my pocket for the key. He watches me do this, and I fumble with the key knowing his eyes are on me as I shakily try to insert the end of the key into the lock. My hands are shaking so bad and I get frustrated, but suddenly his hand is on mine and he curls his fingers around the key slowly, looking me in the face.

"I know you're stressed, but you shouldn't let it get to you like this. Things will be fine, I promise," his tone suggests he really believes what he's saying, and I want to believe him. I really do.

I release my grip on the key, and allow him to finish unlocking the door and open it for me before following me in. A brief thought that he's even treating me like a girl enters my head, but I shake it off. I need to stop thinking like that, this is Ling after all. He's my best friend, I think to myself. But of course a little part in the back of my mind reminds me that's exactly what he's always going to be, and nothing more. And with that, I grab my bottle of pills off the counter without looking in Ling's direction again. I saunter over to my music room, shutting myself in it once more.


	2. Chapter 2 - And then I saw you

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

See chapter 1 for trigger warnings.

Chapter 2

And then I saw you

I'm running. I can't stop. I'm almost hyperventilating and my legs are screaming at me to slow down but I just can't. Hot, stinging tears roll down my cheeks and I grit my teeth to endure the pain. I begin to scream, and I'm suddenly paralyzed. I can't move at all, I can't even breath. And that's when I wake up, and I realize it was just a dream.

It's morning, my brain tries to tell me as light shines in through the window painfully into my groggy eyes. They feel swollen and my face is sticky. Oh, so I wasn't just crying in my dream after all. Slowly blinking them open, I sit up and let out a sigh before sliding my legs over the side of the bed. For several minutes I simply sit here, and stare at the wall. The things that happened yesterday kept racing through my mind in still-image form, making me bite my lower lip in shame. I'd treated Ling terribly, then shut him out completely after we got home when he'd been so good to me. He ended up going to work without even checking up on me or saying good bye. What kind of friend am I? He probably hates me now.

I get up and walk across the creaky floor to my wardrobe, and stand in front of it in nothing but my boxers. I purposely do not have a mirror in my room, and the only one I dare look in is the one in the bathroom when I have to fix my hair. I don't like looking at myself anymore than I have to.

My hands are at my sides, and my hand brushes over my left thigh. My finger runs over a rough area where I am scarred, and I wince. There's so many things about my body that I hate, but this is the worst one. It's my prison-sentence, and the very thing I am running away from. It's an Ouroboros symbol branded right into my skin, and short of cutting it out there's no way to get rid of it. In case you don't know, an Ouroboros is a depiction of a serpent eating it's own tail. It's a symbol of the infinite, the whole, and the immortal. But to me, it's just another thing to remind me of my family ties. All of us have one in various locations. My mother's is right in the center of her chest. My father's is on the back of his hand. At least mine is in a less conspicuous place, I think bitterly. Wrath doesn't have his yet, but he's almost at that age and I cringe just thinking about it.

I begin to look through my clothes, trying to take my mind off things. Thumbing through my various outfits, the tip of my tongue sticks out slightly from the side of my mouth as I'm concentrating. Finally, I find a nice simple and black long-sleeve button-up shirt and pull it over my shoulders. I begin to button it, and carefully pull the sleeves down over my wrists, concealing my shame from the world and possibly even myself.

Hastily pulling on some old, rather tattered-looking jeans and flicking my long hair over one shoulder, I make my way out of my room and find Ling sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of orange juice. He's staring right at me, and it's making me a little uncomfortable. His hair is down this time instead of pulled up into a tail, and it's splayed over his shoulders attractively. I just barely notice he's wearing the same thing he was yesterday, but I make no comment on it.

"Mornin," I say cautiously, in the most nonchalant tone I can muster, and slowly walk over to the coffee pot. Ling doesn't drink coffee, but I live on it. He takes a long sip of his drink before answering as I begin to make coffee.

"Envy, I'm really worried about you." he gets right to the point it seems. I blanch, and nearly drop the pot of coffee before I even get it started brewing.

"I'm fine. Really." my voice comes out smaller than I wanted, and I clear my throat before trying again. "I lost track of time yesterday and I just forgot to take it. It was only a fluke, I'm sorry..again," I added, punching the 'start' button with my index finger on the coffee maker.

"Yeah okay." Ling answered in an unamused tone. He wasn't his normal happy self this morning, and that scares me. Maybe I really pushed him too far this time. "Look, I think maybe this was a bad idea..coming here." he dropped another bomb on me.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, and I could feel my eyes bugging slightly. I know exactly what he's referring to, I just want to play dumb. I want him to say it.

"You know what I mean. Coming here, to America. Kuso!" he swore, slamming his cup down making me wince. "We are barely making it here and you know it. And look at you..you're getting thinner every day." That stung, and I grimace, looking down at my feet. I really was struggling here, and I hated to admit it.

"You told me everything would be okay. What happened to that?" I demanded, looking back up at him and folding my arms.

Ling seemed to be sobered by this, and sighs. "I know, I know...gomen ne, Envy-chan, I just want you to find your place in life." He apologizes and his bad mood seemed to lift slightly, but he still had worry etched all over his features.

"I promise, I won't forget again. Look, I'll take it right now." I disappear into my music room and a moment later I emerge with my bottle, shaking it making it rattle for effect. That didn't seem to cheer him up any, but he gave a half-hearted smile. I quickly pop one into my mouth and dry swallow it before returning the bottle to the counter where I normally keep it.

He gives me a rather dubious look.

"I have to work early today, so try to keep yourself out of trouble, mmkay?" he said, standing up to gather his keys and wallet.

I frown slightly at this, hoping I could try to redeem myself by going out with him today instead. However, I just nod and wish him well at work and with that he disappears out the door. I'm left standing in the middle of the kitchen awkwardly when my coffee pot begins to beep, signaling that it was done. I had nearly forgotten about it, but I begin to make myself a cup anyway.

I sit at the same spot he was in, and feel myself blush against my will when I feel the warmth he left behind. I really need to quit doing that. At least he isn't here to see it this time. I stare out the window while sipping my coffee, and eventually come to the decision that I'm not going to just sit around and mope all day while Ling is gone.

Placing my cup in the sink, I don't even look at my music room as I stop by the bathroom to throw a headband on to keep my hair out of my face. I leave the apartment, being sure to lock it. I won't spend another minute in there alone today, I decide.

* * *

I am walking down the sidewalk, the fresh New York air hitting my face and causing my hair to billow behind me as I go. It seemed to defy gravity when I have it in a headband like this, and sometimes I get weird looks, but today I don't care. I just need to go.

I linger near a music shop, peering at the various instruments displayed in the window. I play piano for a living, but what I always wanted to do was play guitar. I eye one with longing, trying not to think about the fact I can't afford to buy one. I'm about to leave when a flash of golden hair catches my eye.

"Hey! Sorry I'm late, you wouldn't believe the traffic," someone calls out, brushing past me and obviously in a hurry and late for something. My eyes follow him as he enters the shop and I watch through the window as he is conversing with the shop keep. He was wearing a red wife-beater and what appeared to be leather pants. How odd. My curiosity gets the better of me and I enter the shop, just in time to hear the man reply to him.

"Sorry kid, your spot was taken. There's so much demand for music lessons here and if someone doesn't show, I just fill their spot." the gruff-looking man from behind the counter said with little remorse, peering down at the much shorter boy.

"You gotta be kidding me! Ugh," the blonde groans, visibly irritated as he tapped his foot and began to pace, his hands thrown into the air in agitation. "I came all the way here just for you to give away my spot? Ridiculous!" he complains, pulling at his braid irritably and I smile for the first time today as I watch him. I find his antics interesting, though he doesn't seem to notice me in the slightest.

He seems to give up and walk away, though he didn't leave the shop. I venture further in once the commotion dies down and begin to inspect a particularly attractive Gibson guitar. I run my fingers over the frets, enjoying the feeling of the evenly spaced bumps as I go. I'm ripped yet again from my thoughts by a voice, and I turn to see the same golden-haired boy from before in front of me.

"You play?" he asks me bluntly, his eyes shifting briefly to the guitar I was touching before coming back to my face. I just now notice his large, warm eyes are the exact same golden hue as his long hair. I feel my face heat up as I realize I was beginning to stare. I slowly nod after a slight hesitation.

"Yeah. Well, I used to. I don't have one anymore." I replied to him with an almost regretful tone that I tried and failed to reel in.

"Ah. Kay. Well, I need a good guitarist for my band. I'm the drummer and backup singer. I play a bit of bass and guitar too, but only part-time. That's what I'm here for, is classes. If you could sing too, that would be even better." he grins up at me, and I realize in that moment that he is actually quite a bit shorter than I.

"Oh. I don't really know. I've never actually tried." I admit to him sheepishly.

"What! You're joking. There's no way you've never sang before. And what do you mean you don't have a guitar? How can you play without a guitar? That makes no sense," he frowned, apparently unable to comprehend my situation. I think he must be younger than me, but I don't want to seem rude by asking his age. I try not to let my eyes linger on his tanned, muscular arms.

"I'm not joking. Like I said, I don't have my guitar anymore. I only have a piano now," he said with barely concealed disgust.

"Oh, wow. Piano is cool, though. I dig it. Though I think you should take up guitar again." he smiled up at me genuinely, before walking off and disappearing as suddenly as he showed up.

I'm left standing there with what I am sure is a dumbfounded expression on my face. I don't even think I caught his name, and in a twinge of regret I wished I had introduced myself better. Oh, well.

I begin to walk towards the front of the store and to my surprise, the blonde kid was still there. He was buying something at the front. It looks like picks. I just stand there like an idiot and watch him pay, and he walks past me on his way towards the door after he's finished with his transaction.

"The name's Ed, by the way," he called to me. I look over just in time to see him flash me a prize-winning grin before he disappeared through the door.

Ed. I wonder if it's short for Edward, or something. I think to myself silently as I ponder my situation.

"D'ya need somethin'?" the shop keep asks me with a raised brow. It's a different one now than before, I take note. This time it's a skinny, punk-rocker-looking guy. I almost prefer the gruff-looking man over this guy.

"No, thank you." I say politely before turning heel and beginning to leave until I have a sudden realization and stop short. "On second thought..you guys have music classes?" I ask, walking right up to the counter with an inquisitive look.

"Yep. Sure do. What kind you looking for?" he asks me, putting his chin in his palm as if he were extremely bored.

I think for a moment before replying. "Guitar. I want guitar lessons please. Preferably one at around this time," I say finally with a small nod, and wring my fingers together. I feel guilty internally, because I already know how to play. I just want to see Ed again.


	3. Chapter 3 - When one door closes

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

See chapter 1 for trigger warnings.

Chapter 3

When one door closes...

I walk in through the door only to find that Ling still hasn't returned from work. I had actually been in a decent mood until I came back here to my bare apartment. I find that I can't stop thinking about that golden-headed boy, and I blush furiously. It was actually nice...to think about someone other than Ling for once. I knew it was silly to have feelings for him, because he would never return them. He's never shown any sign of being interested, and the last thing I need is to ruin our friendship any more than I already have.

At that thought I frown, and walk over to the kitchen to find something to eat. I realize I haven't eaten all day and I'm half starved. Whipping up a simple grilled cheese sandwich, I put it on a plate and begin to eat, and while I do, I think about Wrath. I sort of miss that little brat, and I think idly about trying to call him, or reach him somehow. That gives me a lump in my stomach and I decide against it. I don't need my parents finding out where I am, but I will have to contact him soon to let him know I'm all right.

Finishing my food, I go over to my piano and start playing some random melodies that I came up with in my head, trying to make something sound good. Anything at this point is better than nothing, because I need to come up with something by tomorrow or I'm screwed.

Minutes go by. Maybe even hours, I don't know but I'm still playing. Occasionally jotting down some musical notes on my notepad when I string something together that sounds good. My wrists are aching and my fingers feel numb from so much playing and I finally decide to stop. I glare at my notes like they are the root of all my problems before folding them and neatly placing them on top of the piano so they were ready for tomorrow.

I don't feel confident at all, not even one bit. I know I haven't really put my heart into this since I started, and I was ashamed. Maybe I really am as worthless as my father always said I was. I guess I won't know 'til tomorrow.

I get up and exit the room just as Ling comes through the door. I must have been working a long time, because the sun is almost setting as it illuminates behind his head giving him a halo. God he's beautiful, I think before I can stop myself. I smile at him, trying to will my face back to a more normal temperature as I clean up my thoughts.

"I had a terrible day at work. Hey, sorry for being a jerk this morning I just-" he began to apologize, but I waved my hand dismissively and interrupted him.

"Iiye iiye," I automatically tell him not to worry about it in Japanese. Old habits die hard, I guess. I need to remember not to do that in public. "It was my fault anyway. Besides, I found things to do." I say vaguely, blushing a little as I remember my run-in with the blonde boy named Ed.

"Oh?" Ling seemed interested now. He knows me too well. "Did you make any new friends?" he said with a small smirk. Am I that transparent?

"No! Uhh..yeah maybe, I don't know," I say, feeling a little flustered. I can hardly consider my painfully short conversation with Ed 'making new friends', but I guess it did count as meeting someone new. "I went to the music shop a few blocks down, and talked with another ..artist," I say after a small pause, almost not being able to come up with a suitable description for the blonde who was in a band.

"That's great man! I'm glad, you need to get out more," Ling said cheerfully and gave me a friendly slap on the arm which hurt more than I let on.

"Yeah..I guess you're right. I really do. " I agree with him, and rub my arm which tingled a bit now. "I think I'm going to take some classes there, I dunno it seemed like fun," I say, a small smile playing at my lips.

"Oh geez, you're really expanding your horizons now, aren't ya?" he jokes with me, and my grin just widens. I know I spend too much time alone, but it's hard when you've had such a fucked up life as I have. I say nothing though, because luckily for Ling, he doesn't know quite the extent of the damage. I'd like to keep it that way personally.

"Did you work on your jingle?" he asks off-handedly, and my face falls.

"Yeah, a bit.." I say and look away. I wasn't happy at all with what I came up with, and it was obvious.

"Ah.. well I'm sure you'll do great tomorrow, Envy-chan." He just smiles at me before going to go take a shower. He started stripping before he even reached the bathroom, and I have trouble averting my eyes.

I go to bed, and lay there for a long while, stressing about tomorrow. It takes a long time for me to fall asleep, and when I do, it's restless. I don't dream, luckily, but I keep tossing and turning all night long.

* * *

I wake up suddenly and I realize it's because my alarm is going off. I groan and smack it with my hand to get it to shut up before getting up quickly and walking to the bathroom to climb in the shower. I make the water scalding hot and proceed to wash my hair and body. After I get out, I wrap my hair in a towel so it doesn't drip water down my back. It always takes forever to dry.

Ling must still be asleep, because the apartment is dark and there's no signs of life. Curiosity getting the better of me, I pull on some pants and wander over to his room with the towel still on my head and no shirt on. I'm sure I look ridiculous, but Ling has seen me in worse shape than this. The door is ajar, which piques my curiosity even more. I slowly push it open and peer in.

Ling is gone. The blood drains from my face and I begin to panic. Where is he? What happened to him? Did he leave after I went to bed? I just stare at his empty, unmade bed for several long moments before I finally go back to the bathroom and pull the towel out of my hair.

I stare hard at myself in the mirror, my mind racing. I'm probably just overreacting...maybe he's with a girl. I scowl at the thought, and begin to force a comb through the tangled black strands until it's smooth. I put some discreet black hair clips in each side to keep my bangs back. Once I'm satisfied with my look, I go to put on what I consider to be a nice looking long-sleeved polo shirt. Not normally something I like to wear, but I'm trying to impress these people today. I need to at least look somewhat put-together.

I finally get everything together, not forgetting to grab my folded-up notes from the piano and head out the door. I walk along the sidewalk, and note that everything is still a little damp from the night. This place always seemed to be like that, though.

By the time I got to the office building, the sun had risen high enough to peek over the sky-scrapers. It looked like it would be a nice day, I think to myself before I open the door and march inside with feigned confidence.

I have to go up several flights of stairs to get to the conference room I am seeking, and I am almost out of breath by the time I make it all the way up. Sheesh, do they really need that many stairs? I complain internally as I reach my destination. I peer in, and every eye turns to me making me pale.

"Uh," I cough a little and wave. "Hi everyone. I'm here to present my ..jingle," I manage to keep the disdain out of my voice, or at least I'd like to think I did.

"Well, let's get started shall we." My boss eyes me suspiciously. I don't think he ever really liked me, and I swear he's just looking for an excuse to get rid of me. This is my last shot.

Gulping, I go over to the little electric keyboard they have set up in the front of the conference room in front of the projector, and I place my notes on top of it. I prop them up with the plastic hinge so I can read them and begin to play my melody for the room. It was pretty short, but they kind of have to be for commercials. No more than 30 seconds to about a minute.

When I'm finished, I look over at my boss warily and he doesn't look impressed.

"That just won't do. Envy, you've come up with nothing suitable for the past three weeks and I'm sorry to tell you but I'm going to have to let you go. This business just isn't for you." his words cut me deep, and I stood there awkwardly, staring at him in disbelief. I just nodded and left the room without a word, not even bothering to take my notes with me.

It took every ounce of strength I possess to not burst into tears the moment I leave the room and begin my descent down the stairs.

When I arrive at the apartment, I'm completely winded. I had ran the entire way home without stopping and I come in to find Ling just sitting at the kitchen table like normal.

"L-Ling!" I stutter, stumbling in the doorway and making my way over to him. "Where the fuck were you?" I demand harshly, and I think my attitude takes him aback.

"I've been right here, dum dum!" he responds, lying just a little too easily for my taste. He was leaning away from me slightly in response to my hostility.

"No, no you weren't! When I got up this morning you were gone! Where have you been going at night? Don't tell me you think I am too stupid to notice you are always wearing the same clothes from the previous day in the morning," I spit, venom lacing my voice as I finally tell him how I really feel.

He looks guilty. Really guilty. And I get the feeling I am about to find out why.

"Envy look... I've been staying at this girl's house, alright? I met her at the restaurant and we've been sort of dating since then. And that's the truth," he adds when he sees the look on my face. So that was it, after all.

"This is just great, just fucking great." I started to pace. "While I'm here struggling to keep my sanity you're out having fun with some girl!" I must look as disgusted as I feel, because he frowns at me.

"I knew you would react this way which was why I was keeping it a secret in the first place!" he snaps, looking away from me. "You're always so volatile. I have to walk on eggshells around you all the time." He mutters, and I'm not sure if he meant for me to hear or not.

"Tell me how you really feel, Ling!" I growl. "I just lost my fucking job today and now I find out you've got a secret girly-friend, can this day get any god damned better?" I rant, beginning to laugh. It's not a pleasant one though, it comes out in harsh rasps and it just sounds painful and ever so slightly sarcastic.

"Oh shit, Envy. I'm so sorry." Ling instantly apologizes to me, but I just scowl at him, feeling tears brimming in my eyes.

"You just have no idea, do you?" I say, my voice wavering as I'm about to cry. But I don't elaborate, I just rub my eyes and go to my room without saying another word. How could I tell him he just broke my heart? It even sounds ridiculous in my own head.

Ling sighs and puts his face in his hands. "Envy, why don't you just tell me what's wrong with you?" He asks himself out loud just as I slam the door.


	4. Chapter 4 - Moving on

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

See chapter 1 for trigger warnings.

It's amazing what one little tiny review can do for a writer's motivation and spirit. Thanks guys :)

Chapter 4

Moving on

I wait a long time before I emerge from my room. I don't feel like talking. I don't even want to know what her name is. I just want to forget. Sighing internally, I walk over to my piano and sit. I begin to play something sad and slow; Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven. It helps me relax sometimes if I just play.

My fingers move fluidly across the keys, and during certain parts I press them harder to create a dramatic effect in the melody that reflects my mood. My mind wanders, and a memory replays in my head.

"_You're a disgrace to our family, Envy." My father reprimanded me in that 'I'm disappointed in you' tone that I hate the most. I looked at the ground in shame. My hair was shorter then, but it still fell over my face in a dark veil. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do what he wanted me to. I was officially a part of the organization now, I had the mark to prove it. But I was a failure, because I refused to be a criminal. I had done everything else this monster wanted me to, but not this. I wouldn't kill someone. Not for money, not for power. Not for anything._

_My gaze returned to his, and violet locked with violet. My father, Greed, stood before me in his formal black suit. His hands were folded in front of him, resting on his stomach in a casual way that contradicted the intense interaction. He tapped his artificial metal pinky-finger on the back of his other hand, signaling he was running out of patience with me._

"_You were born into greatness, and you just want to throw it all away, huh?" he said in an eerily calm voice, and it sent chills down my spine. "I don't think you realize the implications of your actions."_

_Just then, my mother entered the room with my younger brother Wrath. He was about 7 years old at the time, but he was still her little baby. He was always the favorite, and I hated him for it. Lust was wearing a simple yet elegant white kimono with red embroidery in the shape of many dragons twisting themselves around her body. It wrapped around her curvy frame perfectly, and her long black hair was done up in a neat bun behind her head with wooden pins holding it in place._

_My attention was turned to her, and I gave her a desperate look hoping she might save me from another beating. I should have known she wouldn't care. She put her hands to her hips and harrumphed, giving me a cold hard look. _

"_Don't think I'm here to save you, Envy. I'm not about to lose face because of my disappointment of a son." her gaze turned to Greed, and she gave a small nod of her head. The blood drained from my face as she turned to go, grabbing Wrath's small hand and tugging him along with her. My little brother gave me a pained look before his face disappeared from view, and my mother slammed the door behind them. _

_She gave him the okay. My own mother, sent me to slaughter. Why would I be surprised? It's always been this way. Greed advanced on me, and he grabbed me by the collar bringing his face uncomfortably close to mine. I could feel his disgustingly hot breath on my face, and it made me queasy. _

"_You will listen to me, brat, or you know what happens. I don't get paid if you don't do your job." he growled lowly, his voice rumbling in his chest._

_My heart was pounding against my ribcage, and my breath quickened. Please no. Not again. I don't want this...I didn't ask for any of this. I squeezed my eyes shut while I waited for the inevitable, and my stomach lurched when his wet tongue ran over my face, leaving a trail of sticky saliva in it's wake. I shuddered with disgust and tried to look away, squirming in his grip but it was like iron. He never let me go once he had me._

_Before I knew it, I was pressed face-first against the wall and Greed was undoing his belt. I felt tears streaming, because I knew what was going to happen next. He pushed his hand against my head, pressing my face uncomfortably hard into the cold wall. A whimper escaped my throat as I felt the cool air roll over my exposed lower half. I was humiliated, and just wanted to die in that moment._

_It all went black when he forced himself inside me. I don't even remember what happened, I just remember the pain._

I slam my hands on the keys, instantly interrupting the melody I had been playing with a loud clang of harsh notes from the piano. I grit my teeth and my breath was hitching in my throat which was lacing up in an unpleasant way.

I shakily get to my feet and walk towards the bathroom, lingering at the doorway. I slowly step in front of the sink and grip the edges with my hands, staring at myself in the mirror. I have dark circles under my puffy red eyes, and I look like shit. My lip trembles, and I wipe my face with the back of my hand as I scowl at my own reflection. I need to get it together. He's with her, and he'll never want me the way I want him.

Who would want me, anyway? I'm broken and used, my father has seen to that.

I open the vanity behind the mirror and look for anything I can find to numb my emotional pain. I curl my fingers around a razor I had hidden under a loose piece of wood and hold it to my wrist. The blade presses into my skin without breaking it, and I just hold it there as I take in several shaky breaths.

I lose my nerve, and put the blade back in it's hiding spot. It's been too long.. Good thing I took my pill today. It helps me think a little more rationally. All I have left is scars, I don't need to be making new ones now. Not when I have that class tonight.

Oh shit, the class. I glance at the clock and realize it is supposed to start in fifteen minutes. I had almost forgotten in my misery, and Ed's face pops into my head. Just imagining his warm, friendly face makes me blush. Ugh, I'm hopeless.

I splash some cold water on my face, trying to make myself look like I'm not on my death bed. It doesn't really work, and I still look like I would be more suited to be an extra on The Walking Dead or something. I've heard that's a really popular American TV show about zombies. Glaring at my own reflection, I turn towards my room to put on some different clothes more suited for the occasion.

I want to wear a t-shirt, but I suddenly become very self-aware of my arms. They were littered with small lines of old scars, though some were not so old. I resign myself to an old comfortable hoodie and some black jeans, and I leave quickly. I don't even notice the pained look Ling gave me on my way out.

I make my way to the music shop which luckily is not far, and I come to the front desk looking expectantly at the shop keep.

He frowns at me, when suddenly something clicks and he seems to recognize me. "Class is starting in the back of the store." He points and I follow his finger to a group of people sitting in a group near the back in an open spot surrounded by guitars.

"Thanks." I say, and turn to walk towards the group. I don't see Ed anywhere, much to my dismay, but I sit in the group anyway.

The teacher starts the class, and begins instructing on basic finger placements on the fretboard of a guitar after he assigns all of us a rental guitar. I am instantly bored, since I already know all of this. Where's Ed?

Suddenly, someone short, loud and blonde comes storming in yelling about how he knows he's late but something happened and it's not his fault. Sounds pretty familiar, wouldn't you say?

I look over and see him coming towards the group. He's dressed a little differently today with a simple tee sporting a Metallica logo on the front, though he's still wearing those terribly gaudy leather pants.

He spots me and grins, waving happily. "Hey you! I didn't expect to see you here." He sat beside me and I blushed furiously as his arm grazed mine.

"Y-yeah, I wanted to brush up on my guitar skills," I lied. "You sort of inspired me to start playing again." That part isn't a lie. I really do want to play guitar again, I don't even want to look at a piano anymore.

"Great! Afterward I'll introduce you to my band members and you can show me what you got." The corners of his eyes turned downwards in a happy way as he flashed me another charming grin.

"That sounds awesome," I agree and suddenly I feel much more enthused about the class.

* * *

After the class ends, we all stand and say our goodbyes before Ed turns to me.

"I don't think I caught your name..?" He tilts his head to the side in an endearing way that just melts my heart.

"Uh...Envy. I'm Envy." I say with a flushed face. I'm so rude, why hadn't I told him my name earlier?

"Nice to meet you Envy. Like I said before I'm Ed." He acts as though I might have forgotten his name.

_He's all I've been thinking about since I met him the first time._

_That _doesn't help my blushing problem.

"I remember." I say simply with a smile.

Ed seemed pleased, and grabs my arm. "C'mon, I'm gonna take you to meet the band." He says cheerily. I jump at this, and turn 6 shades of pink, but don't pull away either.

* * *

He takes me to an old house down the road a ways, which I actually find to be much nicer than my apartment. It's even got a garage, which appears to be the place he is taking me. It's already open, and I can see two people standing inside holding instruments, and there's various equipment littering the ground around them.

They wave to Ed who returns it with vigor, and then turn to stare at me.

"Edo! Who's this?" The red-haired guy holding a bass guitar asks with a crooked grin, which falters slightly when he inspects me. He's got a headband on even though his hair is relatively short. I feel a little put on the spot, I gotta admit. The brunette girl says nothing, though she literally beams at me.

"Guys, this is Envy. Envy, this is Len and Kira," he introduced his two friends, and they both grin at me. "I met him at the shop, I guess he decided he wants to be our new guitarist!" Ed announced, causing me to almost choke.

"Wait, wait. I never sa-" I start to protest but Ed shushes me.

"I won't hear any of it! I saw how easily you went through that class, and I can tell you're good." He just grins at me in a way that tells me it's pointless to argue.

Letting out a sigh, I shrug and give an almost undetectable nod of my head. Why the hell not. It's not like I have a job to go to or anything. Not anymore. Yeah.

Kira bounds over to me with an outstretched hand and sparkling eyes. "Pleased to meet you, Envy! I sing for the band." She seems eccentric. Heh, I'm one to talk I guess.

I take her hand and give it a gentle shake, before I turn to Len, expecting the same sort of greeting. I am sorely disappointed as he is merely plucking absentmindedly at his bass guitar strings. I can't tell if he's purposely ignoring me, or if he's just caught up in his own thing. I don't push the issue.

Ed rummages through some stuff in his backpack, and comes out with some notes. They look like chords. I can read music, but I don't say anything. Chords will work just fine too. I take them graciously and study the first one.

The melody seems to be chaotic at first, but once I read the entire thing it comes together in a dramatic but slightly melancholy tune. This might be my style after all.

Smiling at Ed, I position my guitar and begin to play the tune. I add my own flare to it of course, because why not.

The three of them just stare at me in wonder, and I get a little uncomfortable and stop part way through.

"What's the matter? Am I doing it wrong?" I feel almost disheartened, naturally being my own worst critic.

"Oh my God Envy no, you are amazing! Where have you been hiding all this time?" Ed grabs me by my biceps almost shaking me with how excited he is. I flush crimson, looking down at his beaming face. This is the closest he's been to me, and he just called me amazing. My day is officially made.

"N-Nowhere really. I just moved here from Japan." My accent chose to get thicker right at this moment, particularly on the R's. Dammit, I feel so nervous now.

He just grins at me. "I KNEW it!" Ed exclaims, and lets go of my arms. I'm mildly relieved, not that I mind he was touching me.

Ed seems pleased with himself. Kira is giggling and Len is just rolling his eyes. I am getting the distinct feeling Len doesn't particularly care for me, though I don't know how. I barely even met the guy. I shrug it off—he'll come around I'm sure.

I don't notice the eyes Kira is making at me, or the way Len is looking at her with longing. I'm too focused on Ed right now. I think maybe Ling is on to something about finding my place in life.

_Maybe my place is right here. _


	5. Chapter 5 - Expect the unexpected

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

See chapter 1 for trigger warnings.

Chapter 5

Expect the unexpected

We all exchanged phone numbers that day, with the exception of Len. He said 'I don't need people calling me whenever they want'. Fine, be that way. Kira happily handed hers over but the one I really wanted was Ed's. I found out his full name is Edward Elric, but he doesn't like being called Edward. That sort of disappoints me, because I really like his full name. Maybe I can get away with slipping up and calling him Edward on accident.

I went to bed happy last night for the first time in I don't know how long. For once, I didn't have any nightmares. I didn't even dream. It was a peaceful, restful sleep.

I wake up with a smile plastered on my face, and I stretch myself leisurely. I glance over at my clock, and it reads about 9 AM. Wow, I really slept in.

I leap out of bed and waltz into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee. It's sort of my morning ritual. It looks like Ling is already gone. I don't see much of him these days, it seems.

Humming to myself, I down my coffee and make a decision to call Ed. I get out my cellphone and dial it in, putting him into my contacts first before I initiate the call. I'm almost dancing, my feet seem to be moving on their own as I listen to the ringing tone. Ring, ring, ring.

I wait.

I get his voice mail. Damn. I didn't really want to leave a message, so I hang up before the beep sounds.

Sighing with defeat, I toss my phone on to the counter and glare at it. He's probably still sleeping. Or maybe he's in school. The thought suddenly dawns on me that I never did get his age. He's probably in high school, and I'm being a creepy creeper for being interested in him. I let out an audible groan and cover my face with my hands at this realization.

Then I have another unpleasant thought.

_What if he only likes girls. Like Ling._

I bite my lip as I ponder this very real possibility. Why does it have to be so difficult? I've always heard about people having something they call 'gaydar' where they can tell if someone is homosexual just by being around them. I seem to possess no such ability, because I always feel clueless. I never know if it's safe to flirt with a guy or not.

_Why couldn't I just have been born a girl? Things would be so much easier for me._

I scowl internally at my own thought. I shouldn't think that way. It's not normal.

Heh, _normal_. That's a fun concept, isn't it?

I suppose guys liking other guys isn't exactly normal either, but I can't really help that.

I run my hand through my long hair, pulling my fingers through the tangles as I think. I need to find out for sure how Ed feels before I get any deeper. I've been miserable for years pining over Ling. I don't need a repeat.

Feeling resolute, I decide to grab my laptop and go online. I almost never use this thing, but I feel it's necessary to get some information.

I go to the search engine and type out his name.

It looks like he has a Facebook page. I should have guessed. I click the link, but since I don't have my own account I can't see much, but it does show his age.

He's 16. Great. I'm four years older than him, and that means he's definitely still in high school.

His profile picture is of him with two other people. Ed is in the middle with his arm around some girl, and another guy on his other side. They're all grinning like idiots. I feel a smirk spread across my face when I realize Ed is the shortest one.

The girl has light blonde hair with ocean blue eyes, and the other guy has chestnut brown hair and hazel eyes. I wonder who they are?

I feel a small pang in my stomach when I jump to the worst possible conclusion. What if the girl is Ed's girlfriend?

I frown as I stare at the picture, squinting my eyes as if that will make me see better. Well, glaring at it won't do me any good.

I'm startled suddenly by my phone. I nearly jump a foot, getting up to see who it is. I grab it off the counter and stare at the little screen. It's Ed.

I answer it hastily, blurting out a Japanese greeting. "Moshimoshi," I say quickly, before paling when I realize what I said.

All I hear is laughing on the other end. Great, I'm such an idiot.

"Envy? That you?" Ed was trying to stifle his snorts of laughter. Well, at least he thinks I'm funny.

"Yeah.. sorry.. Hello," I say, trying to recover, but I know it's too late.

"Haha don't be sorry. I just saw you called me. I was in class, so I couldn't pick up you know. What's going on En?" The blood rushes to my face when he gives me a nickname.

"Ahh yeah. I don't know, I just wanted to see what you're up to and—" I trip over my own words slightly. "Uh, what I wanted to know was if we're still on for tonight? For practice, I mean," I struggle to find the right words. What I really wanted to do was ask him out, but I couldn't take the rejection right now.

"Yeah of course! I think my older sister will be there with her new boyfriend though," he laughed a little like he thought it was absurd. "I hope you don't mind."

"Oh, that's fine, I don't care." I give a shrug, even though I know he can't see me. Older sister. I wonder if that's who the girl was in the photo. "When should I come over?"

"Well, I get out of school around 2:45 so how about 3?"

"Sounds good. See you then." I hang up and hug the phone to my chest briefly.

Now if only 3 o'clock would come sooner.

* * *

It's finally almost 3, and I'm too impatient to wait any longer.

I spent the last couple of hours or so analyzing myself in the mirror, making sure everything is perfect. I can't change myself, so may as well try to look the best I can. I decide not to put any clips in it this time and just let it hang naturally, but I put some product in it to make sure it wouldn't get frizzy or fly in my face.

Once I'm more-or-less satisfied, I head out the door and go straight to Ed's house.

The garage isn't open this time, so I knock on the front door.

I wait for a minute or so, hearing some commotion inside. Before too long, someone answers.

It's the girl from the photo. Ah, so she is his sister.

"Hi! Are you Ed's friend?" She greeted me, body-blocking the doorway. She was obviously waiting for my answer before she would let me in.

"That's me. He's expecting me." I say, managing a smile.

She extends her hand. "I'm Winry, Ed's older sister."

A little relieved, I take her hand and she gives a rough jerk of her wrist. Wow, that's quite a handshake.

Suddenly someone comes up behind her, wrapping his toned arms around her waist. I don't recognize who it is at first, but when Winry turns her head to kiss him from behind I see his face.

I turn white as a ghost, and my heart stops.

It's Ling.

He seems to spot me, and he breaks the kiss. "Envy! The hell you doing here?" He grins and puts his chin on Winry's shoulder, still holding her close.

I'm at a loss for words, and I'm fairly certain my mouth is hanging open just slightly. It's Ling, and he's holding a girl. Not just any girl, but Ed's sister.

"I-I'm here to see Ed." I manage to choke out. I'm still standing in the doorway mind you, they still haven't invited me in.

"Small world, huh?" Ling doesn't sound happy, and he looks warily at me. Obviously he's still upset with me about before.

Just then, someone else runs up behind the couple.

"WILL YOU GUYS LEAVE HIM ALONE?" Ed roars, pushing past his sister roughly, grabbing my hand. He sure is touchy-feely, not that I mind, but every time he does that it makes me beet red.

He yanks me into the house and I cast a glance at Ling over my shoulder.

_I guess I really did never have a chance._

My thoughts turn melancholy as Ed leads me towards the kitchen.

"You hungry? Sorry about that. They have been all over each other since they met and quite frankly it makes me sick." I couldn't tell if he was serious or not, because he was grinning.

"No..no thanks I'm not hungry." I have a tight knot in the pit of my stomach, and I have to force myself not to look. I knew about the girl, but seeing it for myself just makes me queasy.

"Oh...okay, if you say so." Ed faltered slightly upon seeing the look on my face. I think he's noticing my discomfort. Shit.

"I already ate," I lie quickly, and force a smile. He inspects me with his beautiful golden orbs, and I can tell he doesn't believe me. I've always been a terrible liar.

"Sure." He says slowly. "The other two couldn't make it today, so it's just us." Ed shrugs. "There's almost no point in practicing without the entire band."

I nod, feeling a little disappointed. He's going to ask me to come back another time, isn't he?

"Do you just want to hang out instead?" He asks me instead. I'm surprised, but I definitely want to spend more time with him.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to." I agree shyly, my voice lowering quite a bit to nearly a whisper.

"Of course!" Ed grinned cheekily at me. "So what else do you like to do?"

I just stare at him. It's a simple question, but I don't really know. I've never really done anything but play music, and I never had many friends in Japan.

"I like to draw, and read." I finally think of something, though these aren't hobbies I do a lot, unfortunately. I never seem to have enough time to just sit down and do it.

"Hey me too! But I'm terrible at it," he laughs heartily and begins leading me toward his room. Oh God, his room. He's taking me to his room.

_Calm down, idiot. Don't do anything stupid. We're just hanging out._

His room is nice. He's got a single bed and nice dressers, and a fancy-looking computer in the corner. Of course there's clothes everywhere, which is to be expected of a teenage boy.

I carefully sit on his bed, and he plops down on his computer chair and starts clicking and typing lots of things.

"Sorry, just checking my email." He mutters, before turning to me.

I have my hands in my lap and I'm wringing my fingers uncomfortably. I really don't know what to say to him, and I feel very awkward.

To my horror, he comes to sit next to me after he's finished at the computer.

"Your English is very good." He observes, looking at me expectantly. I take that as a hint that he wants me to tell him more about myself.

"Thanks." I scratch the back of my head as I suddenly recall our phone conversation this morning where I had a Japanese slip-up. "I studied for a long time before moving here. I wanted to make sure I had no reason to go back." I look at my feet. I hoped he didn't ask me to elaborate on that. I'd rather not talk about my family to him just yet.

"Ah. I understand that," he nods. "I hate my father, he's never here. He's constantly working, and we've basically been raised by my big sister. My mother is..gone," he admits after a small pause. His usually shining eyes dull just slightly when he mentions her. So, he's had some hard times too.

"I'm sorry." I felt a small need to share with him my problems, but as my mouth begins to open, I shut down. I can't. I don't want to scare him away yet. "Um, you said 'we'. Do you have other siblings?" I pull a mundane question out of the air instead, mostly just so I wasn't just sitting there with my mouth open.

"A younger brother. His name is Alphonse." Ed smiles brightly as if just the sound of his brother's name improved his mood. They must be close. "He should be home soon, actually. He never misses dinner."

Ed then asks the question I knew was coming after that. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

My face falls, and I look away. Wrath. I miss him. "Only one. His name is Wrath, and he still lives in Japan." I say quietly.

Ed frowns as if he doesn't comprehend. "You're all alone here, aren't you?" He asks suddenly.

That startles me. "Not exactly ..." I sigh. Ed looks confused. I guess I have to tell him. "Ling. He came with me. He's...he's my best friend." I say, and I can see the gears turning behind his large, expressive amber eyes.

"Of course you would know Ling." He gave an ironic snort. "I guess it makes sense, since you're both Japanese. I hadn't even really thought about it, honestly." He shrugged and gave me a small smile.

I avert my eyes when he smiles that kind smile at me, and I suddenly feel very self-conscious again.

"Why are you so shy?" He asks me a very forward question, leaning in closer as he inspects my face, seemingly reading my reaction. "I like you already, you don't have to be nervous or try to impress me."

I can feel my entire body heating up, and I nearly break out in sweat.

My eyes slide over to his face, then lower to his mouth. I find myself staring at his lips, and I feel a desire rising up in me.

I lean towards him, slowly closing the distance between our faces before I can stop myself. It looks like the cat is going to be let out of the bag soon. I can't contain myself.

I close my eyes as my lips brush against his, and he stays still for a moment. I think maybe I get away with it, but he leans back and gives me a very weird look.

_Oh shit._

"What was that for?" He asks me, the corner of his mouth curling up into a wry smile.

I flush crimson, and want to die.

"I'm sorry. I just—" I begin to try and explain my absurd actions when suddenly a finger is put to my lips, effectively shushing me.

"Let me just try something." I'm not sure what to think.

Then the unexpected happens.

Ed leans in and kisses me this time, and I feel our lips melding together like they were meant for each other. I tilt my head slightly, and run the tip of my tongue over his lower lip. He parts them slightly and I don't hesitate to slide my tongue in to mingle with his.

_He's kissing me. This is really happening._

We're interrupted by a knock on the door. I start, and pull back from him. My lips feel a little tingly and slightly swollen, and there's a tightness in my jeans. Well, this is awkward.

"Ed, I'm making dinner! Are you boys hungry?" It's Winry's voice.

"Very." Ed replies, giving me a look that says he's hungry for something other than food. My heart is racing, both out of nervousness and sheer excitement.

"Okay, we'll let you know when it's done." I hear footsteps, and she's gone.

I look back at Ed's face and he is trying very hard not to laugh, with his hand over his mouth and tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

I frown at him. "What just happened?" I ask without thinking. I still can't believe it.

"Well, you kissed me. Then I kissed you, and then my big-mouth sister interrupted us." He explained in great detail and I turn red. "You're very cute when you do that," he adds with a small smirk, and I feel the blood pooling further in my cheeks.

"That. Your face. I can tell when you're nervous because you blush." He grins at me. "It's cute."

I don't think it's possible for my face to get any hotter.

"How did you know, by the way?" Ed asks me suddenly.

I'm still flustered, and I don't comprehend his question at first. "Know what?"

"That I'm gay. Almost no one can tell." He shrugged.

"I didn't know. I'm just an idiot and couldn't resist." I bite my lip shyly, chancing a glance in his direction.

"Idiot," he agrees with me, but he's grinning the entire time.


	6. Chapter 6 - The truth

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

See chapter 1 for trigger warnings.

Yaoi warning for this chapter. :]

Chapter 6

The truth

It's only been two days since Ed and I kissed for the first time, and I'm at his house yet again. Ling and I have hardly spoken, and I spend all of my free time here. I feel a kind of stinging guilt right in my gut whenever I think about it. I never did apologize for my shitty attitude, but to be fair he was hiding things from me too. That's how I'm going to rationalize it anyway. It's been really awkward when we pass each other in the apartment, and even worse when we cross paths at Ed's house when Ling comes to see Winry. The worst part is it could be easily solved if I would just man up and confront him.

I just choke up any time I look him in the eyes and start to say something. I end up walking away instead.

_I'm such a coward._

"En. Hey, En? Earth to Envy, helloooo!" He waves his hand in front of my face, and I blink my eyes into focus and look at him. His eyes are large and inquisitive, and he smiles at me before taking a huge bite of his ice cream bar.

Ed seems so nonchalant about everything, and it sort of makes me crazy. He's so damn charming and it just kills me.

If it's even possible, I feel even more shy around him now that we've kissed. You would think that would make me more confident, but no. I'm fairly certain my face has a permanent red tint to it as long as he's near me.

_He just thinks it's funny._

"Sorry. Spaced out." I mutter, and look down at my hands. I haven't even touched my ice cream. I'm feeling particularly crappy today about Ling, but I don't tell Ed.

"You know, I don't really know that much about you." Ed looks at me expectantly with his hands folded in his lap.

I pale instantly, because I know where this is headed. He still doesn't know how old I am.

"What do you want to know?" I ask an open-ended question, trying to keep the nervousness out of my voice.

He grins. "Everything," but then he adds, "But let's start with some basics, hmm? I don't even know your last name. That's pretty rude of you to kiss me on the first date without even telling me your whole name, don't you think?" He smirks at me and I just sigh.

"I would hardly call that a first date. Besides I took a huge risk. I expected you to run away screaming, but then at least I would know how you feel. I didn't need to have another crush on someone who doesn't want me back," I blab without being able to stop myself. Sometimes I feel like I have diarrhea of the mouth.

Ed gives me a thoughtful look. "I'm going to ask more about that later. But first, back to the original topic. Your name?" He gestures to me with his hand in a way that might be elegant and polite if it were performed in a different situation.

"Kazumoto. Envy Kazumoto. Happy?" I make a face at him which apparently leads him into his next question.

"Very, actually. Pssh, how old are you again? Pretty sure you're too old to be sticking that tongue out like that." Ed jeers at me and I scowl. Dammit, this is what I was afraid of in the first place. Baka! I scold myself mentally.

"Well, I didn't." I looked away suddenly and sighed deeply. This was it. He was definitely going to run away screaming this time. "I'm 20 years old, Ed."

There it is. I brace myself.

"Sexy. I'm into older men." He leans in and randomly begins to kiss the nape of my neck which makes my eyes shoot open like saucers.

"Wait—what?" I stutter as he reaches my collar bone giving it a gentle nip and I begin to flail my arms. "You mean you don't think I'm creepy?" I have a little trouble getting my words out with the way his mouth is moving against my sensitive skin, but I manage.

"Nuh uh." He mutters against my skin as he makes his way up to my mouth to take my lips with his. He kisses me deeply, and I run my hands to cup his face as I close my eyes and lose myself in his passion.

Just as I begin to enjoy myself, he pulls away. His cheeks are a little reddened which impresses me and his lips are slightly parted in a just-kissed way. But I'm still unhappy that he pulled away, and I pout at him.

His lips form a small smile. "Nope, you have to answer more questions first."

God, he's such a tease.

"Fine," I admit defeat and lean back against the wall, folding my arms as I try not to think about the uncomfortable tightness in my pants. "I'm listening."

"Well okay. How about why you came to that guitar class when you clearly do not need lessons?" His face is a mixture of skeptical and amused, almost like he already knows what the answer will be. It's just like him to do this to me, and I snort.

"I think you already know, smart guy." I pull at a lock of my own hair in frustration. He is just impossible.

Ed then puts his hand on mine. He slowly pulls each of my fingers away from my hair, one by one.

"Stop that. You'll ruin it." He chastises me gently, and runs his fingers through my hair, starting at my scalp. It feels so good, and I close my eyes. I feel a little more comfortable with him doing that.

"I just wanted to see you again." I state quietly with my lids still lowered.

He leans in and kisses me lightly. "I'm glad you did." He purrs, running his fingertips gently over the fabric covering my half-hard dick.

I jerk slightly, my hips moving on their own accord in response to the slight friction.

"Ed, please," I moan out his name in a quiet plea, opening my violet eyes to lock with his golden orbs.

He smiles triumphantly as he balls a fist in the front of my shirt and pulls me closer to him to kiss me hungrily. Our tongues entwine together without hesitation and I realize we are making sloppy wet noises but I no longer care, I just want him. He'd better not stop this time.

I don't even notice my ice cream is melting on his bed, and neither does he.

His lips move against mine feverishly as he undoes my jeans, pulling at them so they're part way down my thighs. My face heats up instantly as the cool air caresses a very warm part of my body, and it makes the hairs on my arms stand on end.

Ed reaches down to stroke my length, running his fingertips over the shaft like the tease he is. His touch sends chills down my spine and I arch myself into him, wordlessly asking for more. He seems to understand but what he does next I am not prepared for.

He leans over and suddenly his warm mouth engulfs my erection, and he somehow takes me in fully. I cry out, before my moan is stifled by a hand on my mouth. He pulls back with a long, slow suck before speaking. "Shh. They'll hear you." He licks his lips as he looks up at me, and I swear it's the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. Ed's lips are wet and colored, with his messy hair swept over one shoulder and his bangs falling into his face. He is a little sweaty, and he just smells so good. His heady scent fills my nostrils as I bite my lip and try to hold back my voice.

When he's satisfied that I'll be quiet, he returns his mouth to me and sucks hard, holding the base with one hand. He takes my sac in his other hand and gently fondles it, driving me wild. It doesn't take long for me to reach my limit, and I buck my hips slowly against him as my body climaxes. I let out a very small sound, unable to hold back as I come hard into his mouth. He doesn't seem to mind, as he takes all I have to give him and when I'm finished he licks the head lovingly.

I twitch because I'm suddenly very sensitive and the sensation of his tongue is almost too much for me now.

"Wow," is all I can manage, and he crawls up my body to kiss me again. I can taste myself on his lips, which actually isn't too bad. It's almost a bit of a turn on, and I kiss him back eagerly, pulling his body closer to mine.

"Mmm, Envy, you tasted good," he purrs against my lips, leaving a lick on my lower lip before pulling back.

That makes me flush crimson, and I can't help a girlish giggle escaping my throat. That was the most amazing thing I've ever felt in my life. How do I tell Ed he was the first to do that to me?

"I'm glad you think so. How did you get so good at that?" I ask, but I regret it the moment the question came out.

He just gives me a look, and replies, "Lots of practice."

I shouldn't be jealous, but I am. I don't want to think of his lips on someone else. I don't want to know that he's looked at someone else the way he's looking at me right now. I have a difficult time forcing myself not to scowl.

He notices my inner struggle, and frowns at me. "Don't tell me I'm more experienced than you."

Ed is still sitting in my lap, straddling me with my pants down my legs and I suddenly feel very uncomfortable. I don't even look him in the eye anymore. I don't move at all.

"Oh." He says, but in a much gentler tone. "It's okay. I don't mind. I like virgins." He says that like it will make me feel better. That might be the worst possible thing he could have said to me, because I'm not a virgin. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

I feel my eyes brim with unwanted tears, and I blink hard as my face is turned away from his so he won't see.

"Did I say something wrong?" Ed suddenly seems worried, and kisses my face. A stray tear leaks out and runs over my cheek, much to my horror. "Why are you crying?"

Kuso. I didn't want him to see me like this.

"I'm not." My voice comes out shaky and watery, and not convincing what so ever.

"Yeah, and I'm not gay. C'mon En, tell me what's up. I just gave you an amazing blow job and you're crying. That's not okay." He pouted at me, and I just want to tell him everything. Tell him about the crimes … about my father. But I can't.

I move to push him off me and try to pull my pants up. I'm mortified. I can't even keep it together when I'm with my boyf—oh hell, he's not even that. I'm probably just another notch on his bed post.

_Lots of practice._

It rings through my mind painfully. Did he even care at all?

I give him a pained look and he looks utterly confused. There's a trace of hurt on his face from being pushed away, but he says nothing.

"You wouldn't understand." That's what I say, but it's not what I'm thinking.

_I don't know how to tell you._

_It's humiliating._

He folds his arms and glares at me. "Try me."

My lip trembles and I feel totally pathetic. How do I even begin?

"M-my father he … he ..." I trail off, looking for the right words.

I didn't even have to finish, because Ed seems to understand what I'm trying to say. His eyes widen, and he is suddenly at my side again. He cradles my head in his hands and holds me. "I didn't know." Is all he says.

Ed rests his head against mine and we sit there for a long time. I sob silently in his arms and he just holds me. I guess that's all I ever needed was to be able to tell someone.


	7. Chapter 7 - Making friends and enemies

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

See chapter 1 for trigger warnings.

Chapter 7

Making friends and enemies

I end up staying a really long time at Ed's house after he witnesses my mental breakdown. His brother came home right in time for dinner, just as Winry said he would, and now we're all sitting at the table with a rather awkward silence. Alphonse is sitting at the head of the table with me beside him on the end. Ed is sitting across from me, and Winry is to my left. Ling is sitting across from Winry, and I'm trying not to look at him. Right now, I would rather be _anywhere_ else but here.

"Soo … how is the band coming along, Edward?" Alphonse breaks the silence by asking Ed a question. I note that he called him by his full name, and I shoot a quick glance at Ed to study his face. Not even so much as a twitch on his perfect angular face. Hmm, I wonder if I could get away with that. I keep a mental note for myself so I can try later.

"Fine. We just got our new guitarist," he nods his head in my direction and I smile shyly at Alphonse. He returns the smile politely, though he seems to study me with his large hazel eyes.

"That's great, brother! I know you've been looking a while." Alphonse seems genuinely pleased, and takes a sip of his water.

"Yeah, we have. Envy is great though, he's very talented. He makes us look like amateurs," Ed states with a grin. I can't tell if he's joking or not, but it still makes my cheeks burn. I'm starting to hate it when he compliments me.

As I try to will my face to a more normal color, I notice Ed's foot brush against my leg under the table. Oh my God. Is he really doing this during dinner? Freaking teenage hormones.

I nearly choke on my own spit as he gingerly slides his sock-covered toes over the inside of my calf, inching his way up toward my inner thigh.

Meanwhile he simply sits over there with the most mischievous look I've ever seen on a boy's face. He's thoroughly enjoying himself, and I shoot him a pointed glare.

He ignores me and keeps it up as Winry starts to talk about something that I'm not paying attention to in the slightest. My attention is only caught when I hear my name.

"Envy?" Winry sounds like she's repeated that a few times. "Did you hear me?"

I turn to her and panic. I don't want to lie, so I sheepishly shake my head no. "I'm sorry no can you repeat it?" I feel so utterly hopeless. Ed already has me in the palm of his hand.

"Uh..yeah," she gives me a weird look, but repeats her question anyway. "So, how long have you lived in New York?"

"Only a few months. I'm here permanently, though." I say more to convince myself than anything.

"That's nice. I'm sure that makes Ed very happy." She smiles at me, and I give a slightly unsure nod. I wonder if she knows about us. I'm suddenly very painfully aware that Ling is watching and listening to our entire conversation, and his eyes are trained on me.

_I really need to make things right with Ling._

I just need better timing. Tonight, when we both go back to the apartment. I'll tell him then. I'll tell him I'm sorry and that I'm a huge idiot.

_There's only so many times I can apologize._

But it's different this time. Isn't it? I'm getting over him, so I have no reason to lash out anymore.

I glance at him sitting diagonally from me, but he isn't looking in my direction. His eyes are cast downward, and his stray hairs hang loose from his normal ponytail. My heart flutters and I quickly look away before he notices. I wish that would go away. I have Ed now. Why can't I forget about my feelings for Ling?

Winry's eyes go from me to Ling and back again. I think she knows there's something weird going on between us, but she doesn't say anything about it. I just have the nagging feeling she's going to ask Ling about it later.

The rest of the meal is eaten in silence.

* * *

"It was nice to meet you, Envy." Alphonse shakes my hand, and Winry hugs me out of the blue. She still has her apron on from cooking, and she looks tired. It must be quite the job taking care of these boys practically by herself.

"It was great to meet you all, too." I smile shyly at the family.

Ling had already left without saying a word to me.

"See you tomorrow, En." Ed gives me a look, and my chest gets tight. I don't want to leave, but I can't exactly have a sleepover with him. Then everyone would really know what's going on.

"Yeah. Let's try to get everyone together for actual practice." I joke with him, and he leans in for a hug.

I'm stiff at first, because I don't want to seem like I'm enjoying myself too much. This is harder than I thought it was going to be. I relax into his arms just before he lets go, and I turn to leave.

* * *

I went home separately from Ling, but we practically arrived at the apartment at the same time.

"Hey." I say to him sheepishly, and he gives me a questioning look.

"Hey yourself." He replied coldly, and I can't tell if he's serious or not.

I decide to get right to it before I go and lose my nerve.

"Look, I wanted to apologize … for everything. I've been a huge idiot, and a jerk. I know I apologize a lot lately but ..." I look down, suddenly unable to meet his gaze.

He looks long and hard at me, arms folded and feet spaced apart. I'm not sure he's going to forgive me so easily this time, and I begin to shake.

"Ling ..." I nearly begin to sob. I just can't take anymore. I know I am pathetic, but I can't handle this distance between us anymore. He's my best friend.

"Shut up." He mumbles and embraces me in a tight hug. I hug him back and bury my face in the crook of his neck, mumbling more apologies. I can't help but notice how nice he smells, and I scrunch my eyes as I try to ignore the butterflies in my gut.

"You know I can't stay mad at you. I was just waiting for you to talk to me again. Took ya long enough." He pulled back from the hug and patted my tear stained cheek.

"I know." I pouted as he pats me. He always manages to remind me in subtle ways that he views me as a little brother or something. Which I find odd since I'm older than him. I guess maybe I would seem like the younger one, all things considered.

"You should get some sleep, Envy-chan. You're gonna need your strength if you want to find another job." I cringe inwardly when he mentions work.

I just nod silently, and head for my room.

I get undressed and climb under the sheets in my small twin-size bed. Snuggling my pillow, I gather up my hair and put it above my head so it's not under me. I find myself staring at the dark ceiling with my mind totally blank.

My mood went sour just from that one comment, and I have trouble sleeping the entire night.

* * *

I have no idea what time it is when my phone wakes me up. I groggily grab my cell and fumble with it, nearly dropping it before I can clear my vision enough to see the screen.

It's 11 am, holy shit I slept in late.

Then I notice the name on the screen.

'Kira'. Why is she calling?

I press the call button to answer, and put the phone to my ear with no clue as to why she'd be calling me.

"Hello?" My voice is raspy and even I don't recognize it as my own.

"Envy? Is that you?" Kira's chirpy voice sounds on the other end, with a slightly confused tone. She probably doesn't recognize my voice either.

"Yeah, it's me. What's up?" I ask after clearing my throat, thinking she probably was inviting me over for practice or something.

Silence.

"..Kira?" I pause before saying her name, thinking maybe we got disconnected.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to wake you," She squeaks an apology, and sounds a little regretful. Her voice is rising in pitch with every word and I wince a little. She sounds nervous. I hope nothing bad happened. "I uh.. I was wondering if you'd like to meet for coffee or something today," she manages to blurt out.

What the heck? That's pretty random.

"Sure, I guess," I'm not sure quite how to respond, so I agree without thinking.

"Oh great! I'm so happy! I'll see you there in 10!" She quickly hangs up before I can respond.

Well, I guess I'm going to get coffee.

* * *

I walk up to the local coffee shop to find Kira already sitting inside. She's got her hands folded on the table and she looks fidgety. I wonder what's up with her?

Shrugging it off, I enter through the door and walk over to her.

"Hey." I say before sitting down opposite her.

"Oh! Envy! Hi!" She gets flustered and nearly falls out of her seat. I'm starting to really get worried.

"Is everything all right Kira?" I ask her cautiously.

She nods furiously. "Never better!" Okay...

After a moment of awkward silence, I decide to make a suggestion. "Are you ready to order?"

She seems to be startled by my words. "Yes of course! Let's go," she says, standing and looks at me expectantly.

I'm not entirely sure what she wants, but I stand up and head to the front to order. She follows, though I can't read her expression.

We both order, get our coffees and sit again. I'm still wondering why she invited me here, because she doesn't seem to have any particular reason why she wanted to talk.

Still pondering on this, she grabs my hand without warning and gives it a gentle squeeze as she looks me dead in the eye. I'm instantly on alert.

"I'm so glad you decided to join me here. I thought for sure you would say no." Her deep blue eyes have a shine to them, and the way she's looking at me makes my heart sink.

I think I know why she invited me now.

My lips form a small frown against my will, and I break the eye contact first, letting out a quiet sigh through my nose.

She lets go of my hand and I give her an apologetic look.

"I don't think this is such a good idea Kira." I say quietly. Neither of us have touched our coffee.

Oh God. She looks like she's about to cry. I hate it when girls cry, it makes me really uncomfortable because I never know what to do or how to handle it.

"Why not?" She asks with welled up eyes. Here it comes …

"Because—" I lower my voice a little, "—I'm gay, Kira," I admit to her, and her eyes immediately widen and she has a look of realization.

"Oh my God. I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry Envy. I shouldn't have assumed." She bites her lip and looks quite mortified.

"It's fine … I just wasn't sure until now why you invited me here. I guess I'm kind of oblivious," I admit, and start to play with my hair nervously.

"No, no it's okay. It's my fault really. Is it okay if we still hang out, though?" She looked hopeful, and began drinking her coffee.

I follow suit and sip mine before I answer. "I don't see why not." I smile a little. Maybe this will turn out all right after all.

"So, that must mean you and Ed are ..." She grins at me cheekily.

I blanch, and stutter. "You... you know about him?"

"Yeah, we all know. It's fairly obvious." She smiles kindly, and there's a look in her eye that I can't read. I'm a little nervous that she assumes we are together, though. It's not that I don't want people to know, it's because of our age difference. I don't want the wrong person to find out and end up throwing me in jail.

I realize how irresponsible I'm being, but I can't help it. I just want to be with Ed … age be damned.

"Don't tell anyone, okay?" I plead with her, suddenly turning serious.

She seems a little taken aback. "Why not? So you guys really are together?"

"Yeah. Well, sort of … it's not really official." My cheeks turn a slight shade of pink. "You can't tell anyone because I'm too old for him." I say it out loud for the first time and the reality of it stings.

"Wait a minute, how old are you? I thought you were our age." She seems genuinely confused. I guess I really don't look my age.

I sigh. "I'm 20 years old. Ed knows and he doesn't seem to care, but I could very easily get in huge trouble if it became public knowledge." My hands are shaking a little as I tell her this.

She puts her hand on mine again, but this time in a comforting way.

"It's gonna be all right. Your secret is safe with me." Her eyes tell me she means it. I just nod and give a small smile.

We spend the rest of the time at the coffee shop talking about music, life, and love. I think maybe I've made a real friend here. I feel like Kira understands me, and for me that's a rarity.

Len had been walking by outside and saw us holding hands. His face peers in through the window and he looks furious. Kira and I are too busy talking to notice him glaring daggers at us.


	8. Chapter 8 - The first (real) time

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

See chapter 1 for trigger warnings.

Another yaoi warning for this one... prepare for a lemon. And feels. Plenty of feels.

Chapter 8

The first (real) time

After what I thought was going to turn into a disastrous morning ended up going pretty well, I'm feeling good up until I start to head home.

I'm walking down the street toward my apartment when Len of all people appears in front of me. His eyes are narrowed and he looks like he's ready for a fight. Geez, what now.

"You have some nerve, barging into the band like just like that and taking over my friends!" He all but shouts at me, and cracks his knuckles. Well, so much for my good mood.

"Just calm down … we can talk about-" I begin to try to reason with him, but he cuts me off.

"-And stay the fuck away from Kira. She's mine, and you can't just waltz in and take her like some big shot musical genius." Len continues to rant, and though I'm flattered that he apparently thinks I'm some kind of genius, his anger is really misplaced.

"Len. You don't understand." I frown at him and he merely glowers back at me. I'm trying not to lose my patience with the kid, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. "I'm not interested in Kira. We're only friends, trust me." I say to him in the calmest tone I can muster.

"Then why the hell were you in there holding hands with her, huh?" He looks accusingly at me, and takes a step towards me. This could get ugly quick.

_How many times will I have to do this?_

It's starting to get old, I mean telling people I'm gay. It's not like I'm ashamed of it, but to have to keep announcing it like this in order to make a point is becoming bothersome and rather irritating.

I get a little snippy with him at this point, but who can blame me? The guy is in my face practically threatening me.

"I'm gay. As in, not interested in girls. Yes, Kira came to me come to find out because she was the one interested but I had to tell her the same damned thing. Now will you leave me alone?" Okay so, I might have been a little blunt. Maybe just a small part of me wants to rub it in his stupid smug face.

He gives me the blankest look I've ever seen in my life. I really think he might be at a loss for words, and that makes my little inner self smile and put their fingers together in a very menacing way.

"Oh … you're um, oh." He stutters, and averts his eyes from me. I let out a long sigh through my nose.

"Yeah." I reply lamely.

"Good. So yeah, um, just don't hit on me, okay? I told Ed the same thing." He tells me with a forced husky voice. He seems to be dead serious. He's gotta be joking.

I just roll my eyes and begin to walk past him. He doesn't stop me. I think I got my point across.

_What an ordeal._

* * *

I end up back at my apartment to find that Ling is home early.

I come through the door and he grabs me in a big bear hug. Whoa, was not expecting that.

"Liiiing," I whine, but hug him back. I really did miss him. Things haven't been the same between us lately, and I'm glad they are starting to get back to normal now.

"Shut up baka, where have you been?" He asks me after he lets go.

I give a slight huff and he snorts a laugh. "That bad, huh?"

"Mmhmm. I had a rough morning, let's just say that." I walk past him, accidentally brushing his arm as I go and it makes me blush. Of course, my body would betray me right now. Just what I needed.

"Tell me all about it Envy-chan." Ling says in a sensitive, therapist-esque voice.

I don't really want to, but I end up telling him everything that happened. Including the parts about having to announce my sexuality to the world, numerous times.

I am very surprised when he doesn't seem at all shocked to find out I'm gay. I never have really discussed it with him, but I guess we have been so close for so long that he probably had already figured it out at some point.

"Ahh that's rough man. Sounds like you really told him though, eh?" He chuckles. "Winry told me her lil' bro Eddy is gay too, maybe you can rob that cradle instead!" He laughs heartily, and is very obviously joking but I go pale and just stare at him without speaking. Fuck.

"Oh God, Envy. Tell me you didn't?" He smacks his forehead with his palm. Damn him for being so perceptive with me. My silence is as good as any confession to him.

"You do realize he's like 15, right?" Ling is judging me with his eyes.

I make my best pouty face at him. "Actually he's 16."

"Not much better."

"Yeah okay I know, I'm a huge pervert and shit but I ... " I trail off, almost saying something absurd. I almost said I'm falling for him.

"You what?"

"Forget it. Just drop it, okay? It's probably just a fling or something." I don't really believe what I'm saying and Ling knows it.

"Yeah right. You've never had a fling before, Envy. How stupid do you think I am? This is some serious shit. You realize how much trouble you can get into in this country if someone finds out?" He begins to lecture me. I kind of saw this coming.

I look down at my feet, my hair falls forward to cover my face.

"I don't have anxiety attacks when I'm with him." I say very quietly, almost too quiet to hear but I know he does.

That shut him up.

I chance a peek at his face and he looks somber. I bite my lip automatically and lock eyes with him. He stares into my deep violets like he's trying to figure something out, before finally letting out a small sigh.

"You realize if Winry asks, I'll have to tell the truth, right? I can't be lying for you, Envy." His lips make a thin line and he looks at me sternly.

"Fine ... just don't worry about it, okay? I'm gonna be careful, but I won't stop seeing him. He's good for me." I tell him indignantly, but my voice wavers slightly. I'm feeling really emotional about this and it's showing, so luckily Ling seems to let it go for now.

He pats my arm gently and nods at me. "I'm still gonna worry. I just hope you know what you're doing."

We didn't speak of Ed or Winry the rest of the night, we just watch TV together like old times. It feels nice, and I go to bed with a slightly lighter heart than before. I think since I admitted to myself about how I feel for Ed—even if it was mentally—is helping things with Ling and I.

* * *

It's Saturday morning, and I realize I have a missed call from Ed. My phone reading 'Edward Elric' is the happiest sight I could see in the morning. My heart starts to race when I listen to his voice mail.

"Hey En. I wanna see you. Call me back."

Smiling to myself, I press the call-back button immediately.

He picks up on the second ring. "Hey!" He seems happy to hear from me.

"You rang?" I try to play it off casual, and make a genuine effort not to giggle like a school girl.

"I sure did. Can I come over to your place?" He asks slyly, and my face heats up instantly just from his words. I have an idea of why he wants to come to my apartment instead.

Like the love-sick fool I am, I give him directions to my place and he heads right over.

I begin to panic and spend the entire 10 minutes it takes him to get here in the bathroom messing with my hair.

A knock on the door sends me into orbit, and I go to answer it.

There he stands, casual as ever in basketball shorts and a black tee looking amazing with his golden hair pulled up in a long tail.

I gulp, and smile at him. "Hi Ed."

He invites himself in and closes the door behind him before attacking my mouth with his. I yelp with surprise as his tongue forces it's way into my mouth and his hands begin to wander. I didn't quite expect him to be quite this forward about it.

I slowly relax as I get accustomed to his caresses and the attention he's giving me, though Ling's voice rings in the back of my head.

_'I hope you know what you're doing'_

At the moment I really don't know what I'm doing, but I can't seem to stop. I know I shouldn't allow this to happen but my body seems to have a mind of it's own.

Ed pins me against the wall and trails his lips down my neck, leaving little love bites in his wake that send shivers up and down my spine. My fingers find their way into his hair at the base of his neck, and I pull the hair tie out letting his long hair cascade over his shoulders. I completely lose it when his palm begins to massage the growing bulge in my pants.

"Relax, En." He purrs as he massages, and I get weak in the knees.

I find it hard to stay standing and he seems to pick up on this and takes my hand in his to support me. My eyes glance towards my bedroom, and he grins as he begins to lead me there. What am I getting myself into? So much for being careful.

He closes my bedroom door behind us and I sit on the bed. My eyes linger on him as he advances on me again, pushing me back flat on the covers and climbs atop me. He sits on my hips and I can feel his erection pressing against mine, and I let out a small whimper.

He seems to take pleasure in the noises he's able to elicit from me, because his lips are stretched into a permanent smile. He pulls my shirt up over my head and arches his body over mine to kiss my chest and my belly. The closer he gets to my hips the more anxious I become, thinking of the last time he pleasured me with his mouth.

He begins undoing my belt and slides my pants down, his lips lingering on the small black trail of soft hairs leading towards my groin. Glancing up at me, he smirks. I have trouble reading his expression but he seems pleased with himself.

"You're hard already, En. You must really like this." He teases me and my cheeks stain pink.

I turn my head to the side in embarrassment, and he chuckles with amusement. He isn't self-conscious in the slightest, I realize as he strips himself directly afterward without any hesitation.

He pulls a tiny vial out of his pocket in his discarded shorts and puts some of the contents on his hands. He rubs them together a few times, before running his hands over my entire sex. I gasp at the slickness as he moves down towards my ass and rubs his fingertips over my asshole. My eyes widen with the realization of what he intends to do.

It's been a while, and the previous times weren't exactly pleasant. I tense up slightly and he notices.

"I know what you're thinking." He puts his hand to my warm cheek in a loving gesture. "You don't have to worry. I want to show you that this can be amazing, and I can make it as pain-free as possible." His voice is husky and reassures me slightly, though I'm still nervous.

I give him an uneasy look as I wait. He slowly inserts a lubed finger inside me, his eyes never leaving mine. I wince at the peculiar feeling it creates in my gut, and my leg twitches. "Nnng." I let out a quiet groan as I get used to the feeling.

Smiling, Ed slowly inserts a second and works my ass with his slick fingers, gradually opening and relaxing my entrance. After the initial discomfort, it begins to feel quite nice. It's creating a warm feeling between my hips and I find myself wanting more. I squirm my hips, grinding them against his hand.

"Edward. I ... I want you," I manage to whisper, staring up at his face. He seems delighted and removes his fingers from me, leaving me feeling oddly disappointed at the loss. He then lubes up his own shaft, and I feel overwhelmed with anticipation.

Everything about him is beautiful. His hands, his arms, his chest. His beautiful golden locks falling over his face as he positions himself at my ready entrance. My eyes glaze over as he penetrates me for the first time, his cock sliding easily past my tight ring of muscle to the hilt.

I let out a moan, feeling him fill me. I feel overly stretched, and it's tight but doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. He's gentle, and kind. The corners of my eyes prick with tears as I look up at him with need, allowing my body to relax around his length.

It's amazing, and I'll never forget this as our first time.

He begins to move only after my signal of a slight nod when I'm ready. He slowly grinds his hips against mine at first, making the heat rise between my legs. Ed finally pulls back slightly, easing himself out of me before gliding back in. The head of his member rubs my inner walls and I can tell he's trying to find a spot inside me. I'm not sure what he's doing until I feel it, and my fingers grip the sheets beneath me tightly as I let out a pleasured groan.

It's so fucking good.

He picks up speed with his thrusts after finding my spot and soon our hips are connecting with loud smacks of flesh on flesh. Even the sound drives me wild and I feel myself nearing my limit. My swollen member rubs his belly as he thrusts inside me, and I have precome leaking down the shaft adding to the sticky mess between us.

As the pleasure builds between my hips, I can't stop my mind from racing. I have to make an effort to push the random, negative thoughts away.

_There's a reason why he's so good at this._

_You're not his first._

_You probably won't be his last._

But they just keep coming. I squeeze my eyes shut and grit my teeth as the waves of pleasure overcome the remainder of my senses and force my cruel mind into a blissful blankness.

I finally climax hard, and spurts of semen release steadily from my cock. I'm breathing hard and small whimpers escape my throat against my will as the intense feelings overcome me.

Ed seemed to be holding out for me, but as my body clenches hard around his throbbing erection he throws his head back in a moan as he finally releases inside of me.

"God, Envy. Fuck!" He curses, closing his eyes and letting his mouth hang open slightly as his thrusting slows and he rides out his orgasm.

When he's finished, he slumps over me and I can feel his softening dick sliding out of me on it's own with a small wet sound. I wrap my arms around his back and put my face in his hair. My face is wet and I think it's from tears.

_Why would those thoughts come at a time like this?_

I try hard to play it off to Ed. He doesn't need to know the sick shit that goes on in my head.

He lifts his head slightly to press his lips to mine in a sweet kiss, and he tastes my tears. "I didn't hurt you, did I?" He asks me quietly, his voice laced with concern. I don't even think he noticed or even cared that I called him Edward in the heat of the moment.

"Just a little at first." I reply, smiling as I gaze into his large, kind golden orbs. "I'm fine. That was amazing." I really mean it. I've never felt anything like that in my entire life.

I want to be the only one he looks at like that. I want him for myself. All of him, forever.


	9. Chapter 9 - Ignorance is bliss

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

See chapter 1 for trigger warnings.

Chapter 9

Ignorance is bliss

Ed and I have been rendezvousing almost every day this past week—and let me tell you what—he is quite insatiable. After he gets out of school, instead of going home he heads straight to my apartment or we agree on a private place to meet. He's just been telling Winry that he's staying late to 'study'. I feel terribly guilty, but I can't refuse him when he tells me he wants me. I'm like putty in his hands, and I am falling hard.

_Being with him makes me feel alive again._

I lay there entwined in my blankets with Ed for I don't know how long. I think I might have even fallen asleep at one point, when I hear a hard knock on my bedroom door.

I instantly shoot up to a sitting position and I look over at Ed who is still sound asleep, looking like a peaceful angel with his hair strewn over his face. His mouth is open just slightly and he's snoring ever so softly.

Nothing phases that boy.

"Nanda?" I groan towards the door, thinking it's going to be Ling. Awkwardness aside, he already knows, so it's not like a big deal if he catches us.

"Where's my brother!" I hear Winry's angry, shrill voice from the other side of the door. "I know he's in there with you, Ling told me everything!"

Oh fuck me.

I never got out of bed so fast, and I'm dressed in 5 seconds flat. I shake Ed's shoulders, trying to wake him. "Ed. Ed! EDWARD!" I end up yelling in his face and he scrunches his nose, squinting his eyes at me irritably as he tries to roll over and pull the blankets back over him.

"Damnit Envy! Let me in!" Winry begins to pound on the door. I'm going to kill Ling.

Ed finally opens his eyes, and he seems to realize what's going on because he jumps to his feet and starts pulling on his shorts in a hurry.

Once he's more-or-less dressed, I go ahead and open the door to reveal a very pissed off Winry. Her hands are on her hips and she looks downright irate.

Though, that's not the part that worries me. She's not glaring at me. She's shooting daggers right at Ed.

"EDWARD ELRIC. HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOING TO FIND YOU LIKE THIS?" Winry shrieks.

I stagger backwards slightly from the force of her anger, and I glance at Ed who seems rather nonplussed.

"Chill, Win. Envy and I are cool, right En?" He looks at me with an out-of-place smile, and I frown.

_What does he mean by that?_

Winry looks at me and sighs heavily, making a 'tsk' sound under her breath.

Why do I get the feeling I'm looking like a complete fool right now?

"What's going on, Ed?" I ask him, and Winry folds her arms and glowers at him.

"Yeah Ed, tell him what's going on." She pushes the issue.

Ed starts to get defensive at this point. "I don't know what you guys are talking about. I'm not doing anything wrong. Envy and I are fucking, so what?" He states it like it's no big deal.

_It's a big deal to me._

Winry and Ed start to argue between themselves, and I begin to feel dizzy. Their voices start to fade in and out and I stagger backwards slightly. I haven't taken my anxiety pill in almost a week. Not since I met Ed. I haven't needed them. But now, I don't know what's happening.

_Just another notch on his bedpost, that's what's happening._

My subconscious continues to torment me as I fall backwards into a sitting position on my bed and hold my head in my hands. I begin to feel sick.

I'm barely aware that Winry and Ed are both crowding around me, fussing over me and asking if I'm all right. My ears are buzzing and it's hard to breathe. My head is spinning and I'm nauseous. I feel like I'm going to pass out.

* * *

My eyes crack open, letting a harsh stream of light in that makes me cringe. What happened?

I hear whispering, and I still. I suddenly remember. How long was I out for? It sounds like Winry and Ed are talking in the other room, and I strain to listen without making any sounds.

"Dammit Ed, you need to stop doing this. You can't take advantage of poor Envy." Winry quietly scolds.

There's a pause, and an exasperated huffing sound.

"I'm not. He made the first move. Besides, who says I don't actually care about him?" Ed retorted with a slight hiss to his voice.

My heart lurches, and I hold my breath subconsciously.

"Well it would be a first since this is what you always do. It's got to stop, Ed. It's not healthy and it's even worse this time because you're risking Envy getting in huge trouble just because you can't keep it in your pants!" Winry's voice started to raise at the end, but she quieted herself. They must still think I'm out cold. How embarrassing. I haven't passed out in front of other people in quite a while.

Winry continues when Ed remains silent.

"I won't stand by and watch you ruin his life." She bites out.

"What ever. I'm going to go check on him, so I'd appreciate if you would kindly fuck off." Ed states in such a calm serious way that it's almost comical, but I'm not in a laughing sort of mood right now.

I hear footsteps, and I take a deep breath to calm my heart beat before Ed enters the room. I pretend to still be asleep, and he kneels beside me. He lets out a quiet sigh, and puts the back of his hand to my forehead as if he's checking my temperature or something.

He surprises me by climbing into bed beside me, and lays his head near mine. I feel his eyes on me, though I'm still keeping mine closed.

"I'm sorry, Envy." I hear him whisper these words that make me want to cry. It's hard to keep my breathing even when I have this constricting feeling in my chest, but I manage. Before I know it, exhaustion comes over me and I fall back to sleep naturally with Ed beside me.

* * *

The next time I'm brought into consciousness, I find myself alone again. I sit up slowly, and stare hard at the wall for a good minute.

_I'm so stupid._

I haven't felt so miserable in a very long time. I have to talk to Ed.

I stiffly get out of bed, only to realize it's already evening. I must have slept most of the day. I walk out of my room to find Ling sitting at the table with Winry, but Ed is nowhere to be found. They both stop talking instantly, and look in my direction with sympathy blatant in their eyes.

_I hate that pitying look._

I shuffle over to them and brush my tangled hair back out of my face, trying to blink the sleep from my eyes.

"Envy I'm so sorry." Winry apologizes instantly, but what she says afterward doesn't make me feel better at all. "I shouldn't have barged in like that, but you had to know the truth."

I scowl at her groggily. "What do you know." It's more of a statement than a question.

"More than you." She retorts, and Ling puts his hand on hers in a calming gesture.

"Babe, c'mon. Leave Envy alone, he's been through a lot." He defends me but in a way that makes me feel about two inches high.

Regardless of what people might think, I'm not some little traumatized kid that everyone has to tip toe around with difficult subjects.

_I wish people would just be honest with me._

"Where's Ed." I demand grumpily. I still need to talk to him. I don't care what Winry says.

"I made him go home. I won't let him lead you on anymore." She replies and I blanch at her words. How dare she!

_Edward is mine now. NO ONE will take him away from me._

I give her a look that could kill before turning heel to head out the door.

"Envy wait!" Ling calls for me, but I ignore him. I'm going to get Ed.

* * *

I'm fast-walking my way towards Ed's house, when I spot him. He must have just left, because his house isn't far.

"EDWARD!" I yell, and he looks in my direction. I can't tell exactly from this distance, but it looks like there's pain in those beautiful golden spheres.

_Is he afraid of hurting me?_

I manage to catch up to him and nearly knock him over in my haste.

"En. This was probably a bad idea." He looks regretful and solemn. I don't like this, not one bit.

"No. I don't care what anyone says, I want to be with you." I take his hands in mine and give him a desperate look.

He gently pulls his hands away, and averts his eyes.

I feel my heart breaking as he pulls away from me.

"Ed." I whisper. I want to beg him, I want to plead with him not to leave me like this but I don't. I just stare at the side of his face, his eyes partially obscured by his long bangs.

"No, Envy. My sister is right. I'm no good for you, and I'll only cause you pain. I'm sorry I ever let you believe otherwise." He states with an emotionless voice before turning to walk in the opposite direction.

I just stare after him with tears in my eyes and my heart in my throat.

"That's not true." I whisper in a hoarse voice that I'm not entirely sure reached him.

No. This can't be happening. He doesn't mean that, right?

I know what I felt when we were together. He must have felt the same way.

We belong together.

* * *

It's been a few days, I think, since Ed left me in the middle of the street. Or maybe a few weeks. I don't really know, because I've been sleeping for most of it. I started taking my anxiety pills again, but they don't help the aching pain in my chest.

I quit going outside, or doing much of anything for that matter. Kira has tried to call me numerous times, but each time I get a call I get excited thinking I'm going to see that name I'm longing to see. Edward Elric.

But it never happens.

I can't stop picturing his face as he turned to leave. The look of pain in his eyes is the only thing I'm holding onto—the only thing in the world giving me hope that he'll change his mind.

Ling is really worried about me, and he threatened to send me back to Japan. I ignored him, and figured out of course that he was only bluffing.

I'm laying in my bed, barely conscious, when my phone rings yet again. I begin to feel irritated because people can't seem to leave me alone, when I see the name Edward Elric on the screen.

My breath hitches in my chest and I fumble to answer.

"Ed?" I say breathlessly into the phone.

"Hi, En." He seems really dialed down. I wonder what he's been up to, without me.

"I miss you." I blurt out, and I bite my lip a little too late.

"I know. Envy I'm sorry. I've been thinking a lot, and I was wrong for just leaving you without an explanation like that. You deserve better than that." He says, and my eyes brim with tears.

"I don't care. I just want to see you." I all but sob, and he sighs on the other end.

"I'll be there in 5." I hear a click on the line so I know he hung up.

* * *

When he arrived, I hadn't even bothered to try to make myself look presentable. I'm exhausted even though I've been doing nothing but sleep.

I look at him through lidded, puffy eyes and he eyes me up and down with a sad look on his face.

He wraps his arms around my back after a moment, and rests his head on my chest. I put my chin on the top of his head and hold him close to me. I never want to let him go.

He glances up at me and he tilts his head back to take my lips in a gentle kiss. I kiss him back softly and tighten my grip around his waist.

Ed pulls back a little and smiles sadly at me. I don't like the look he's giving me.

"You look like shit." He teases me with a small trace of humor in his tone.

"Yeah well, you try finding motivation for anything after you get dumped." I hug him close to me when I say that.

"Please Envy. Don't make this harder than it has to be." Ed resists slightly, and I can feel him pulling away from me. He's breaking my heart all over again.

I shake my head no. "I won't let you go again. Tell me what ever you want, I don't care." I stubbornly argue with him and dig my fingertips into his hips.

He seems to consider this, and I feel hope building in my chest.

"Look ... Normally I don't give a shit but, I care about you, En. I don't want to accidentally hurt you. I'm not good at this sort of thing. It's not the age thing, either. I just didn't want you to get too attached and end up hurting you." He strokes the side of my face lightly with his fingertips. "I should have told you before. I'm not a good guy, Envy. I've never been in a committed relationship."

"I don't care." My voice borders near a whine, and I can't help myself. "I'm not asking you to change." I'm not sure I really mean that, but I'll say just about anything to keep him from leaving again.

He gives me a long look, and finally something seems to give behind his expressive eyes.

"Okay, have it your way." He looks at me dubiously. "Let's try this whole ... couple, thing." He smiles a little and my heart sings. "I'm willing to try, but don't say I didn't warn you about me."

_He really wants to be with me._

I push our lips together hard and wrap my arms happily around his neck.

_Maybe he'll change for me._


	10. Chapter 10 - Expanding horizons

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

See chapter 1 for trigger warnings.

Yaoi (sort-of) warning for this chapter.

You guys all make me so happy with your awesome reviews. *-*

Chapter 10

Expanding horizons

Ed stayed for a little while after our talk, and convinced me to brush my hair and teeth. I realized I really let myself go. It was a little embarrassing after the fact, but he didn't really seem to mind. Given the circumstances, this is the happiest day I've had in a while. Ed and I are officially dating, and I make a mental note of today's date.

"I have to go, Envy. I have homework to do, but I think we should all get together tomorrow to play some tunes." Ed looks up at me, but I have trouble letting go of him.

"Yeah … okay." I say with a pout. I was about to ask if I can help him, but thinking about it I probably wouldn't be a very good study partner. I recall all the times he was supposed to be 'studying' when he was really with me.

"Practice has been pretty lame without you, and I had to practically force Kira to come because she was so distraught over you not being there." Ed looks like he was forcing himself not to roll his eyes. Was Kira really that upset over me?

I look a little surprised, and then instantly regretful since I ignored all of her calls. I just couldn't deal with anything or anyone with the way I was feeling. I'm sure she understands.

"Don't worry about her, En. She'll be good as new as long as you show up tomorrow." He seems to catch the emotion on my face, and boops my nose. Ed smiles reassuringly at me and gives me a quick peck on the lips before turning to go.

I'm determined to make Ed happy. Ever since he agreed to be in a relationship with me, I am terrified every minute that he will get tired of me.

I go back in the apartment feeling a little down, thinking I don't want to wait until tomorrow to do something. I can't just sit around doing nothing, I've been doing plenty of that recently.

_I still don't have a job._

My subconscious reminds me Ling is taking care of all the bills by himself. Sometimes I don't know why he puts up with me.

Letting out a sigh to myself, I decide to take a walk to clear my head.

* * *

The sun is shining, and there's lots of people everywhere. I don't like crowds, but it's sort of a daily occurrence in this city. I can't really avoid it, so I just ignore the noise and bustle as much as I can as I make my way toward the park.

I sit down on a bench and look down at the green grass. It's a little quieter here, save for the people biking or randomly running by with their dogs.

I squint in the sunlight as I see a figure jogging toward me that I recognize. I think it might be Kira.

"ENVY!" She squeals and jogs right for me the second she spots me. Well, at least she doesn't seem angry

"Hey, Kira." I smile weakly at her and let out a small whoosh of air when she roughly embraces me in a hug.

"I heard what happened with you and Ed. I tried to call, but he said you needed time alone." She looks sad and I reflect her emotion.

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't ..." I trail off and look to the side.

She seemed to understand and sits next to me.

"I would have warned you about him if I had known. I kind of had suspicions, though." She giggled softly.

One corner of my mouth curls up in a lop-sided smile. "Am I that obvious?" Then my face falls. "I'm not sure what I've gotten myself into, Kira. I told him he doesn't have to change for me, but I'm not sure I meant it." I admit suddenly to her. She's the only one I can talk to about this.

"Oh." She frowns. "He seems really fond of you. Besides, I haven't seen him with anyone else since he met you." I perk up a bit at her words. "He also never brought any of his other boyfriends home, if that counts for anything." Kira gives a small shrug of her shoulders.

"I guess. I had a feeling he slept around a bit but I didn't realize how much." I put my face in my hands and heave a sigh.

She rubs my back. "Ed's a dog. We all know it, but he's such a good guy you can't help but like him anyway." She's not really making me feel better, but I don't let on.

"I know what will cheer you up!" Kira grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet and I give her a skeptical look. "We're going shopping."

She drags me along towards the mall and I groan. Great, more crowds.

* * *

We end up in the middle of a place called 'Bloomingdales'. My eyes are bugging out of my head as I see all the prices. Are these guys joking with this stuff? Is it made of gold or something?

Kira brings me to the men's section, and I frown at the immense selection.

"So, what do you like?" She gives me an expectant look.

I merely shrug. I really don't know.

"Oh c'mon, you've got to like something. You want to impress Ed, right?" She grins at me.

I nod, though I've never been one for fashion. I always hate the way I look anyway, so why bother?

She suddenly grabs my shirt and pulls it tight so she can see the line of my body. I gawk at the invasion of space, but I figure she's the expert not me.

"You are so skinny!" She gapes at me, and I scowl.

"So I've been told." I sound grumpier than I meant to. It's just that Ling always complains about me not eating enough and getting thinner and blah blah blah.

"I'm totally jealous." She says but there's a smile on her face. "I think you would look much better with form-fitting clothes. You have such a nice figure." She lets go of my shirt and beams at me.

I look down at my clothes, realizing they are sort of baggy. I'm expanding my horizons here.

"Maybe I should wear something that would fit in with our music." I make a suggestion as I start to look around.

"Great idea." She nods.

My eyes wander, not being drawn to much of anything until I spot a top that looks like it could be worn off the shoulder. I go over to it and touch the soft fabric with my fingers, tilting my head as I inspect the garment.

It doesn't even occur to me that I had wandered into the misses section.

Kira is laughing her ass off behind me, and I turn to glare at her as I take the top off the hangar and hug it to my chest.

"What?" I demand, and she laughs harder.

"Nothing, Envy." She smirks at me and I start browsing through the selection of jeans. I don't know that skinny jeans are really my thing, but I grab a few of each kind. Bell bottoms make me think of the 80s, so maybe these things that say 'hip-huggers' will work.

After my arms are full of different clothes, I manage to find the changing room.

The lady at the desk just in front of the stalls gives me a weird look when she sees what I picked out. "How many, hun?" She asks me.

"Eh... three, I think." I had one top and two pairs of jeans.

"Mmhmm. Here you go." She smiles oddly at me and hands me a hanging number for the stall.

Why is everyone acting so strange?

I try on the first top I found, and I instantly love how it fits. It's black, and the sleeves bunch up a little and end mid-forearm. I put it off my shoulder, exposing the pale flesh over my collarbone. I then pull on one of the jeans, realizing perhaps I'd picked a bit too small of a size when I can't even get them past my thighs. I struggle a little to get back out of them, and tried on a slightly larger size I'd picked out.

These fit perfect. They're the 'hip-huggers' I'd seen, and they certainly do that. They are a little … lower than I'm used to, and they end well below my navel. Luckily the top is just long enough to cover my stomach.

I shyly open the door to my shall and peek out to see Kira standing there waiting patiently for me.

"Are you finally done? Let's see it!" She seems really excited. More excited than I am, for sure.

I slowly inch my way out and stand just outside the door.

Her hands are thrown over her mouth and she stares at me. Is it horrible?

"You look so sexy!" She claps her hands and rushes up to me to inspect my outfit first-hand. She pulls on the top to smooth it out more, and continues to admire me.

I snort. "Well I do feel kind of sexy." I deliberately swing my hips to the side and it sends her into a giggling fit. I feel like a completely different person in these clothes.

Putting my hands to my hips, I watch her laugh. Well, I guess I'm kind of having fun too.

"Okay, now that you decide you like it, I need to tell you something." She pokes my chest and I rub the spot and pout at her.

"What now?"

"Envy, those are girl's clothes." She nods her head indicating to what I'm currently wearing.

I say nothing, I just stare at her. Girl's clothes. Of course. It would be just like me. Everyone thinks I'm a girl anyway. I groan and slump to the floor in a defeated heap.

Kira rushes toward me and shakes my shoulders. "You look SO good in them. You can't even tell. They hug your body and the style is so flattering for your figure Envy," she insists, trying to reassure me but I'm too busy sulking.

"Do you think Ed would like it?" I ask her hopefully after a few moments of woe-is-me.

"There's only one way to find out!" Kira chirps and stands, extending her hand to me. "Let's just get that set you're wearing now, and we can always come back later for more if it works out." She grins at me, and I take her hand and get to my feet.

I really hope I'm not spending the last dollars I have on these just to have Ed laugh at me too.

After we finally manage to check out and leave the store, I walk out onto the sidewalk wearing my new clothes. People are looking at me, and I can't tell if they are judging or admiring. Shrugging it off, I say good-bye to Kira and walk home.

Walking through the front door to the apartment, I meet a wide-eyed Ling.

"Whoa, Envy. Someone must be feeling better, huh?" He pats my shoulder—the one that's actually covered in fabric—and grins widely at me.

"Yeah. Ed came to see me." I admit, and feel my face heat up when I say his name.

"Oh." He doesn't seem pleased. "If he even thinks of breaking your heart again, I will wring his scrawny little neck." Ling threatens, getting a particular gleam in his chocolate eyes.

I put my hands on his arms, and smile at him. "I'll be okay. Thanks, though." Then I hug him. Same old Ling, as always.

"Please tell me I don't look like a girl?" I ask a random question, looking desperately at him and he pauses, which is not the answer I was looking for.

"Ling!" I cry, and he stifles a laugh.

"You look great, Envy-chan. Really. Edward's a lucky guy." He says with a warm smile, and my heart lurches. Does he really think so?

"Thanks." I say, and Ling gets a peculiar look in his eyes. He's acting strange, but before I have time to ponder further on that, he suddenly embraces me with our bodies pressed flushed together and kisses me. My eyes open wide in shock, and I'm too surprised to even decide if I want to kiss him back or push him away.

After a moment he pulls away, leaving me with my mouth slightly open in disbelief. Did that really just happen? He seems to read the look on my face and smiles at me.

"I just wanted to see what it would be like. Y'know, to kiss a guy. I've never tried before. It wasn't bad, but I think you're supposed to move your lips." He teases me casually and I think my entire body might have turned into a small furnace right then.

Just when I think I'm getting over Ling.

I regret my choice of tight pants at this moment, and give him a look.

"Yeah—still not gay. That did nothing for me." He just laughs it off and leaves me with a severe discomfort in my nether regions.

I go to bed without eating, and I have to make a bit of an effort to pull off these tight clothes. I'm still not used to wearing things like this, but I suppose I must look good if even a straight man wants to kiss me. That's what I'm going to keep telling myself, anyway.

I groan and flop back on my bed, cursing my body. Pretty sure villagers could camp in my boxers right now.

I do something I haven't done in a very long time and I slip my hand under the thin fabric covering my stubborn erection, and begin to stroke myself.

I turn my head to the side, unable to look as I pleasure myself. I close my eyes and groan softly as I picture Ed's warm, writhing body above mine and I feel my shaft swell even further in my hand. My mind goes a little further with my fantasy and suddenly Ling is walking in, not wearing a damned thing and he kneels beside me and begins to kiss me. My mouth hangs open as I visualize him climbing on top of me in front of Ed and lowering himself onto my ready cock while Ed continues to fuck me at a steady pace.

At this point I'm aroused beyond belief and I climax hard and suddenly as my mind goes blank, erasing the images from my thoughts as I experience the intense pleasure wracking my body.

I fall asleep almost instantly after I'm finished.


	11. Chapter 11 - The idea

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

See chapter 1 for trigger warnings.

As my reviewers will likely tell you, I love to torture Envy …

Angtsy chapter is angsty.

Chapter 11

The idea

I'm standing on a stage, and there's so many people in front of me cheering and yelling. I look around, and I realize I'm not alone. Ed, Len, and Kira are there with me and suddenly a guitar materializes in my hands. Ed comes toward me and embraces me with a kiss, which only makes the crowd cheer harder. My face feels hot but I ignore it and start to play. Kira sings her heart out and Ed looks like he's really getting into it, whipping his drumsticks and swinging his beautiful long hair as he moves his head along with the music. Even Len looks like he's enjoying himself—his fingers are flying across the fretboard of his bass and his red hair is sticking to his sweaty forehead with the effort. I get to a solo and all eyes are on me. I flip my long, black hair over my head and the crowd goes wild. I spot Ling, Winry, and Alphonse in the crowd, and Ling's eyes lock with mine. His lips move and I can't hear him but it looks like he said 'I knew you could do it'.

My heart is racing but in the best way possible, when I begin to hear a high-pitched sound. I can't drown it out, and it affects my performance. My hands shoot up to hold my head and I drop my guitar. It clatters to the floor with a deafening clang and in the next moment I find myself in my own bed.

I'm covered in a thin sheen of sweat and I'm breathing hard, and it takes me a moment to realize my phone is ringing. That must have been the sound I was hearing in my dream. I feel a little disoriented, since it's still in the middle of the night.

I realize I fell asleep without cleaning up my mess from earlier, and wince at the sticky feeling in my boxers. No time to worry about that right now. I grab my phone with slight effort due to my sweaty palm, and upon seeing the name on the screen my eyes widen.

'Kazumoto'

What if it's Wrath? I begin to panic silently, struggling with myself on the inside. I have to answer it in case it's my brother. I make the decision to take the risk.

I nervously answer the call, slowly putting the cell to my ear.

"Envy?" There comes a small voice from the other end of the line. It's Wrath's, and he seems to be making an effort to be quiet.

"Wrath ... I can't believe it's you. What's wrong?" I ask him quickly, trying to remember what time it is in Japan. I think it's about mid-morning.

"I need your help. Since you left I ..." He paused, and I hear a shuffling sound from the other end of the line. It's silent for a moment before he begins to speak again. "You need to come get me. Mother has been different since you've gone. She's hardly here and ... Father hurts me. I'm scared, Envy ...Please come back."

My heart sinks. No. No. Not Wrath. I could deal with it being me but I can't handle knowing that monster is hurting my brother too.

_It's my fault. This is happening to him because I left like the coward I am._

"Wrath ... I'm sorry. I'm going to get you as soon as I can." My voice begins to break and I force back a sob. I can't believe he's going after Wrath now. I thought he was the favorite; the baby. I thought at least he would be safe with Mother until he was old enough to make his own decisions.

Dammit.

"I gotta go." He hangs up quickly, and I sit there with the phone still to my ear. I'm still feeling odd after that dream, but talking to Wrath really made me shaky.

My dream. It was a dream. It felt so real. What if I could make that a reality?

Maybe I can do something to prove I'm not a failure after all.

I get up to sit at my laptop and begin to type furiously. I search for anything I can.

Music.

Bands.

Competitions.

Then something pops up that catches my eye.

'Battle of the Bands'

That's it. Upon further reading, I discover there is a cash prize for first place. A big one. More than enough to pay my rent for a year and bring Wrath to New York.

Problem is, it's in a month and we're not anywhere near ready. I fumble for my phone and glance at the time. 4 AM. Too early to call Ed, shit.

I bury my face in my hands and groan. How am I supposed to sleep now.

I decide it's best if I take a shower and clean up. Maybe the warm water will help me get back to sleep for at least a little while.

About 45 minutes and all of the hot water later, I step out of the steamy stall and wrap my hair in a towel. I feel a lot better now, but my mind still won't stop racing.

_I have to save Wrath. _

It's nearly 5 am now, and I wonder if I can get away with talking to Ed before he goes off to school.

I sit on the edge of my bed, still slightly damp. I take my phone and speed-dial Ed.

Ring. Riiiing. It goes to voice mail after just two rings. That bastard rejected my call. He's probably still sleeping and thought it was his alarm, I realize with a frown.

Fine, I'll just have to go to his house.

After drying my hair the best I can and putting a low-key headband in it, I hesitate when I go to get dressed. I stare at the outfit I bought yesterday, and hastily decide to squeeze myself into it before leaving.

_I'll give him a sight to wake up to._

I'm briskly walking towards Ed's house, and the only thing ruining my mood is my hair still dripping water down my back. Shit takes forever and a day to dry.

As I near his house, I see an unfamiliar car parked in front of it. I get a really weird feeling in my gut, but I ignore it.

Instead of knocking on the front door and waking up the entire house, I sneak around to Ed's bedroom window. I'm about to rasp my knuckles against it to get his attention, when I see movement inside. I freeze in place instantly.

I bring my face close to the cold glass and position my hands around the sides of my face to block the light from the street lamp so I could see inside better.

What I see cuts me to my core.

Ed is on his knees on his bed, naked and writhing with a guy I don't recognize behind him. I see Ed turn to look up at the other male, and I see the look on his face that he gives me when we're together. His brow is knit together and his mouth is open slightly. His eyes are filled with desire and lust, even through the dusty window I can see that.

_That look is supposed to be mine, and mine alone._

I don't even realize it, but there's tears streaming down my cheeks and I feel downright stupid for even coming here.

It's all I can do to stop myself from punching a hole right in Ed's bedroom window.

It was only yesterday that he and I officially became a couple. How could he do this to me? I was stupid to think I would be enough for him. Maybe he just agreed to it because he felt bad for me.

_I'm not good enough._

_I'm worthless. Unlovable. _

_Just something to fuck when he wants to._

My mind repeats these awful thoughts to me as I slump against the siding of his house, and slide downwards until I'm sitting in the grass. It's still dewy, and I shiver because my wet hair had already made me cold.

I just sit there and sob quietly for several minutes, unable to do anything at all. I'm paralyzed.

I hear a doorknob and footsteps from around the side of the house, and it puts me on full alert. I manage to pull myself up and stagger over toward the front to peek around the corner of the house.

The guy is leaving. Just the way he's walking so casually to his car like nothing just happened makes me sick. If he's driving a car, does that make him older than Ed too?

Something inside me snaps and before I can stop myself, I'm striding toward the man and he looks startled as I approach him.

"Hey, who the fuck—" He starts, but my fingers wrap around his throat and I squeeze. I'm not even fully aware of what I'm doing. All I feel is hatred and pain and he is the source of it. I want him to disappear.

He drops to his knees and his hands grab at my wrist, but I have an iron grip around his neck. His eyes are bulging from the effort of trying and failing to breathe.

_Not so smug now, are you._

My face is emotionless, but tear-stained and I look him hard in the eyes.

"You won't take him from me." I whisper before he loses consciousness and slumps to the floor.

I regain my senses, suddenly realizing what I'd done. I panic, thinking I killed him and I kneel to feel his pulse. He's still alive. He just passed out. Good.

I sigh heavily, hating myself even more now. I came all the way here to escape my fate. To be a good person. And here I am strangling some stranger. I'm fucked when this guy wakes up and remembers what I did to him. Will I never escape my fate?

"_The Kazumoto blood runs strong in you, son. You'll make a fine assassin one day." Father held my chin and inspected my young face. His piercing purple orbs flickered back and forth as he seemed to look back and forth between both my eyes._

_I tried to turn my head but he only tightened his grip. I clutched the tiny knife in my shaking hand, and stared at him unblinkingly. "Envy, you know what you must do. Show me you can kill." He ordered me, pointing at the dog. My dog._

_I tried to shake my head no, and he slapped me across the cheek. It stung, and my eyes watered from the pain._

"_Men don't cry." He looked at me with bitterness, and the disappointment in his eyes was palpable. This is when he started to hate me, I'm sure of it. I couldn't do it, though. I didn't realize then that this would be the beginning of a lifetime of suffering._

"_How do you expect to kill a man if you can't even kill a fucking animal?" He demanded, then snatched the knife from my small hands._

_I just gaped at him as I watched him mercilessly slit the throat of my pet right in front of me. A single yelp, and blood pooled around my feet._

I begin to cry as I relive the memory. What's wrong with me?

_I don't want to hurt anyone._

Suddenly, I hear footsteps coming. I feel a cold sweat coming on, and I huddle against the stranger's car as his limp form lays beside me.

I see Ed round the corner and stop cold when he sees my situation. His eyes widen and I just give him a solemn look.

"Don't worry, your fuck-buddy isn't dead." I say dryly. He doesn't seem to appreciate my humor.

"Envy, what are you doing here this early?" Ed asked in an eerily calm voice. It's like he doesn't even care.

"You wouldn't answer your phone so I wanted to come wake you up." I got to my feet and stumble over to him. "I wanted to surprise you with my new sexy clothes. Guess you were too busy doing other things."

Ed looks a little guilty, but does seem to be admiring my attire. I think he likes it. "You look good, En." He looks between me and the unconscious form on the ground and his lips form a thin line. "But you shouldn't have done that." He says quietly.

"I could say the same thing to you." I retort, and pull his body so it's close to mine. I purposely press myself against him, as if to remind him of what he missed out on because he was with someone else.

"Okay, I deserve that." He frowns and looks up at me with his big golden orbs. "You weren't supposed to know about this. It's more complicated than it seems." He tries to back peddle, and I just glower at him.

"I don't really want to hear about it right now. I have bigger problems than this idiot on the ground here." I snap, playing it off like I don't care, but I'm literally dying on the inside.

Ed seems to recoil slightly, and I think he might pull away from me but he doesn't. Instead, he wraps his arms around my slender waist and takes my lips in a chaste kiss, almost as if he thinks that'll make it all better.

It's a little odd to be doing this with an unconscious man on the ground next to us, but this kind of stuff just seems to plague my life.

"Tell me what's wrong, Envy?" Ed asks me, pushing a strand of my still-damp hair behind one of my ears.

_You mean aside from witnessing you getting fucked from behind by another man?_

I haven't even topped him yet.

I feel myself closing up, and I don't want to tell him about Wrath. I don't even want to share my idea now. The way he's acting so casual about all of this just makes me feel sick.

"I think I should go." I tell him, and I reluctantly pull away from his warmth.

Ed gives me a saddened look. "Are we still on for practice later? You haven't played with us in a while." He hesitantly asks me.

How can he ask so nonchalantly about things at a time like this. I pretend to think about it for a minute, then shrug casually. "Dunno."

I turn to go, intentionally swinging my hips a little as I walk, leaving him to deal with the mess that we both had a hand in making.


	12. Chapter 12 - Unseen sorrow

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

See chapter 1 for trigger warnings.

Chapter 12

Unseen sorrow

I didn't break down until I got home, and I just laid in bed fully clothed for the next several hours. Harsh sobs wracked my frame, and I couldn't stop them.

I don't know why I'm even surprised, he didn't exactly promise to be exclusive with me. I guess knowing and seeing are two entirely different things.

The ache in my stomach reminds me I haven't eaten in a while, and after my crying ceases to some degree, I get up to get something frozen that I can just nuke. I don't have the energy to cook right now. A sneeze randomly escapes me and I rub my nose irritably. I hope I'm not getting sick. My throat's a little sore, but it's not bad.

While I'm at it, I brew some coffee and sit on the table with my chin rested on my hands as I listen to the microwave hum, and watch the coffee percolate. I'm half expecting the cops to kick down my door at any minute, and I find myself randomly glancing at the front door waiting for it to happen.

I can't stop thinking about Ed, and the images of him beneath that guy plague my mind. It's almost like I'm a glutton for punishment, replaying that scene over and over in my mind.

I almost want to cry again, but I stop myself. I shouldn't be selfish. I need to think of Wrath. I need to suck it up and just deal with this shit long enough to get what I need to help him.

I stare at the clock. 9 AM. I didn't get much sleep, but I've run on less before. I grab my food and coffee and eat in a deafening silence. My chewing seems to be extremely loud and I start to annoy myself.

In the midst of my self-loathing, my phone begins to ring. It's Ed.

I sigh and answer, not entirely sure what to say to him at this point. "Hi."

"You got lucky this time, En. Russ didn't remember a thing when he woke up. I convinced him that he fell on his way to his car." He seemed relieved, but I feel too numb this morning to even care.

"Russ, huh. So it has a name." I reply sarcastically.

"..." Ed pauses, and I hear a sigh on the other end. "Envy I'm sorry. Let me come over and explain."

"What about school?" I ask him, trying to remember what day it is. It's definitely a school day.

"I skipped today because you knocked out my teacher." He replies as if it's the most normal thing in the world.

Come again?

"Uh … kay." I don't know what else to say. His teacher, really? This boy keeps managing to throw curve balls at me at every turn, just when I think nothing will surprise me anymore.

We hang up with an awkwardness in the air, at least on my end. I no longer know what's going on inside my boyfriend's head. I have no choice but to hear him out, I guess. This should be good.

* * *

It takes a little while for him to show up, but I'm already there to open the door before he even gets a chance to knock. I'm back in my baggy clothes today. I just couldn't stomach trying to get dressed up this time.

He, on the other hand, looks amazing as always in his little Yankees jersey and baggy jeans. He doesn't even have just-fucked hair. I wonder how many times he's come to see me right after he's been with someone else, and I had no idea?

I don't even want to know, on second thought.

He follows me over to the couch and we sit with some tension in the air between us.

"I'm all ears." I lean back leisurely with my hands behind my head and give him an expectant look.

He sits beside me and looks like he wants to lean against me, but decides better of it last minute. He simply sits with horrible posture and he looks at me with those huge puppy-dog eyes that are impossible to stay mad at.

"It just started out as a one time thing," he begins and I have to stop myself from cringing at how leisurely he talks about sex. "He was a substitute teacher and I thought he was cute and well … I'm sure you can guess the rest."

"Yeah, I saw plenty this morning, trust me." I gripe, and look the other direction.

He looks a little taken aback, and I can tell he didn't realize I'd seen everything.

"Envy … you weren't meant to know. He ended up turning into a 'permanent' teacher and I didn't want it anymore. It felt too ... wrong, I guess." He scratches his head and looks like he's searching for the right words. I say nothing during his pause, because I want him to finish his thought. I'm honestly curious as to what sort of excuse he's trying to come up with.

He continues finally. "It was supposed to be over, and I was trying to take care of it before you had to deal with it." He looked pleadingly at me.

I meet his eyes, and I must look very hurt because he bites his lip. I can see in his eyes that he's trying to figure out a way to make things better.

"Didn't look very 'over' to me, Ed. Fuzakeru na." I complain, knowing he will have no clue what I'm saying. From the look on his face he is assuming I called him something vulgar. I think I'll let him wonder.

He only has the deer-in-the-headlights look for a moment, then proceeds to fold his arms and pouts at me. "Stop being sexy. I know I have a problem, En. I'm trying here. Please just give me some time to end things with him?" He pleads with me, and I have trouble staying mad. I lean a little closer to him, and he takes that as his signal to embrace me. Our lips touch, and I forget if only for a moment about 'the other guy'.

He gives me an unsure smile, and we touch noses. Even though he's been unfaithful, I can't stop loving him. No one else makes me feel like he does.

He appears to read my mood, and he begins to play with my hair. He runs his fingers through the long strands, and moves to nuzzle his face in the base of my neck near my hair line. It feels good, and I move my head to allow him more room.

I guess he feels comfortable enough now that I won't break his arm or something if he touches me.

"Hey, En?" He suddenly asks.

"Yes?"

"Will you put on that little outfit again?" He asks sheepishly.

I feel a small smirk stretch on my face. I guess he really did like it, though I wish the first time he'd seen it had been under better circumstances. Again, his fault. I was ready to give him a quickie before school but I guess he was already getting his jollies.

"You missed your chance this morning." I reply bitterly, but he doesn't stop his advances.

"Mmhmm." He completely ignored what I said. He seems oblivious to my change in mood this time and leans in to kiss me again with a little more vigor. Again? I kiss him back automatically, feeling his tongue asking for entrance into my mouth. I part my lips as he explores the cavern of my mouth.

My mind is telling me to stop, that it's wrong and I shouldn't be enabling his sex addiction. But his tongue is so soft and warm and—

My thoughts go blank as he runs his right hand over the fabric covering my inner thigh, and explores underneath my top with his left. I become aware that he's touching my nipple, and he gives it a gentle squeeze between his thumb and forefinger before pulling on it lightly. I gasp against his mouth, feeling my body beg for more attention.

_No. I can't do this now._

I pause, breaking the kiss and I look to the side. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and shake my head sadly. "I can't." I say quietly without looking at him.

His brow crinkles in disappointment, and his hands drop to his sides as he stares at the side of my face. I think he may realize for the first time just how much that affected me.

"Envy ..." He says my name softly, and I avoid his eyes. No, I have to stay strong.

I try to suppress a cough, but it comes out anyway and I hold my hand over my mouth. Ed looks a little worried, though in my opinion, being sick is the least of my problems.

"Are you sick?" Ed touches my face gently and I recoil from his hand. His fingers curl and he seems regretful.

"I'm fine." I mutter, still looking down.

"No you're not. I'm trying to fix this, but I don't know how." He pauses, and takes a slightly shaky breath before continuing. "The only thing I know how to do is make you ... feel good." He sounded as if he was about to say something a little different. "It's the only thing I've ever been good at." He suddenly opens up to me, and I look up at his eyes to see pure sincerity in those deep golden pools. I'm quite unfazed, and scowl at him.

"That's entirely untrue." I say, quite perturbed as a matter of fact that he is trying to make this about him. He's perfect in every way, he has absolutely no reason in the world to feel inadequate.

He gives me a somewhat condescending look. "It is true. It's the only reason anyone ever wants to date me is because they've heard from someone else that I'm good in bed." He complains, and I can't help but roll my eyes.

"Do you think that's why I want you?" I ask, looking him dead in the eye.

His eyes widen minutely, and he looks as if he hadn't really considered that. His face goes from a little surprised, to wonder, then to worry. The stream of changing emotions is interesting to watch.

"Well, of course not but ... I don't know, why else would you want to hang out with a 16 year old?" He frowns at me, and I am visibly hurt by his accusation.

"Are you trying to say you think there's no possible reason why I'd want to be with you other than sex?" I gawk at him, and he gives me a pained look.

"It wouldn't be the first time." He mumbles, and I fall silent. I think of Russ, or 'the other guy', as I like to call him and realize Ed must be talking about him. I suddenly get the distinct feeling that this behavior of his is not exactly a secret from anyone, not even at school.

I start to see Ed in a new light after this. He might be just as fucked up as me, if not more so. I had no idea of the unseen sorrow of my beautiful blonde.

Wrapping my arms around his smaller frame, I draw him closer to me and we hold each other there on the couch. He snuggles his face into my shoulder and I stroke his hair. It's in a pony tail, but his bangs are falling out as usual and I smooth them back away from his face. He makes a happy sound as I do this and it brings a small smile to my lips. How could I ever stay mad at him. He's my angel.

_Maybe I can help him the way he's helped me._

* * *

Time seems to stand still when we're together. It's already mid-afternoon, and Ed and I have done nothing but lay together on the couch. We have hardly spoken, we've both just been satisfied to simply be in each others presence.

A little nagging voice in the back of my mind reminds me that we have work to do, though, and I nudge Ed's shoulder gently. He grumbles a bit and swats my hand. I think he fell asleep.

"Aishiteru, Edward." I whisper into his hair, meaning every syllable. I don't think he can hear me, which is why I am able to say it. I've never told anyone I love them, not even my own brother.

He smiles and yawns widely, stretching himself a little in my arms before peeking open one sleepy eye at me. I feel a blush creeping onto my cheeks when he looks at me like that, and I wonder if he heard me. Even if he did, he wouldn't know what it meant. It's an intense expression of love not often used outside of things like love songs, but it's honestly not even enough to express my feelings for the blonde resting in my arms.

"We have things to do, Edward." I kiss the side of his face and move to get up. I've been using his full name more and more and he doesn't even seem to be noticing, and I snigger inwardly at my impressive sneakiness.

"Five more minutes," he groans, and turns over on the couch. He must have been really comfortable there with me. I give him a longing look, but resolve myself. We have to be serious about this, and I need to share my idea with the band. I need everyone's help if I'm going to save my little brother.

"I'm going whether you come with me or not." I threaten, and he ignores me. He already knows to call my bluff, the perceptive jerk.

It takes me a good half hour to get him off the couch and headed back to his house. There's work to be done.


	13. Chapter 13 - Sing to make it real

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.

See chapter 1 for trigger warnings.

Yaoi warning for this chapter.

Translations at the bottom of the page.

Chapter 13

Sing to make it real

I finally get Ed out of the apartment, but he drags his feet the whole way. Clearly someone is not enthused to do anything, but I don't let it dampen my spirits.

"I have big plans. You want to hear about this." I tell him, dragging him along towards his house.

"What I WANT to do is sleep." He complains. On a school day, even.

"You can sleep when you're dead, which may be sooner than later if you don't stop your complaining." I tell him dryly, and we finally arrive at his house. The door is unlocked, and we go through the kitchen toward the door leading to the garage to find Len and Kira already setting up. At least most of us are into it today.

"Hey." I say a little sheepishly, since I haven't really been around for a week or better. Len gives me a curt nod and Kira smiles at me.

"Envy! Glad you made it." She beams at me, and I give her a shallow hug.

Ed slinks in behind me, rubbing his eyes and he goes to sit at his drum set looking none-too excited to be there. I go to pick up my guitar, and strum a few chords to get back into the feeling, before holding my hand over the strings to stop the vibration before I speak.

"I know I haven't been here lately but I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I came up with an idea. What would you guys say if I said we were going to enter a competition?" I ask, looking between their faces to gauge the reaction.

Len still looks bored, Kira looks intrigued, and Ed still looks sleepy. Well, not exactly the excitement I was looking for but we'll get there.

"I think it'll be fun!" Kira bounces, and hangs on her microphone.

"Meh." Len replies, giving a small shrug. "I already know we're better than the other local bands, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to rub it in their faces." He grins smugly and I smile.

"Yeah! There's prize money, and I really think we can do it if we practice. Problem is ... it's in about a month, so we don't have much time." I tell him the bad part, and their eyes widen.

"I dunno, En. Kinda seems a little sudden, dontcha think?" Ed just looks at me and I give him a disapproving glance.

"Not even. I say we go for it." I keep trying to get everyone enthused, but it doesn't seem to be working as well as I had hoped. Len and Kira seem to be on board, but Ed just seems plain bored. Why isn't he motivated?

"Some of my favorite bands from Japan use a mixture of English and Japanese vocals in their lyrics. I thought maybe we could try something like that to mix it up." I say, casting a side-long glance at Ed to see if he's picking up my hint.

He narrows his eyes knowingly at me, and smirks. "Does that mean you are gonna sing?" He asks, and I smile shyly.

"I'm fairly certain I'm the only one who speaks Japanese here, aren't I?" I reply and he just laughs.

"Okay smarty-pants. So how are we going to do this? Or are you just going to take our current stuff and integrate Japanese into it?" He asks me, and I put my finger to my chin in thought. I hadn't really thought that far ahead yet.

"That might be easier. Some of your lyrics like 'Why was my heart overcast?', I can change to 'Kokoro no kumori wa naze？' just as an example."

Kira nearly swoons, and Len actually looks impressed. Ed just smirks at me, and there's a renewed sparkle in his eyes.

"Sing it for me." He orders, and I bite my lip. I haven't tried singing in a long time, and I'm sure I'm rusty. I clear my throat and begin to strum my guitar to play an acoustic version. I start to sing, start to finish. The only difference is I replace every other line or so with Japanese.

"The answer you gave me  
First love that you brought me…  
Amazora ni hoshitachi ga... "

I finish the final verse of the song, and Len and Kira begin to clap. I flush bright red, and I'm grinning ear-to-ear. That felt exhilarating, and singing like that really got my blood pumping. Ed doesn't say a word, but he's giving me a really crazy look. His eyes are wide and he looks like he's just seen the gates of heaven or something. It almost makes me a little nervous, until he comes over to me and kisses me fiercely on the lips. I'm surprised at first, but quickly embrace him and return the kiss. "That was genius, En." He murmurs against my lips. I can hear Len making gagging noises in the background and Kira aww'ing but I barely pay them any mind.

He likes what I did, and that's all that matters.

* * *

A few hours go by, and we've been practicing that song for a while, though there's been numerous variations to it. It almost sounds completely different from the way it started out. Kira and I take turns with the vocals, but we eventually decide that I would just take over the singing of this particular song and she will backup sing during the English parts of the chorus. She was having trouble pronouncing the Japanese words, and she tries to claim that I sing it better than her anyway. That's fine, I don't mind. The only hard part is singing and playing the guitar at the same time, but I manage it alright.

I'm sweaty and my voice is hoarse by the time evening rolls around, and I'm totally beat. Everyone seems a lot more excited about this now that we've got some more material to work with and a new sound to the music. I'm really happy they liked my idea, and it makes me feel good that I can bring something to the table that we can use to try to get a head start on the competition.

I come home in a much better mood, and grab Ling in a hug as soon as I see him. "You'll never guess what happened—" I begin, but he shakes his head solemnly. My heart sinks to my feet and I look at him worriedly, instantly forgetting about my excitement when I see the serious look on his face.

"Envy, we need to talk." He tells me, and I begin to panic. Oh no. This is because I've been out of work, I'm sure of it. He's tired of me being a dead-beat and he's kicking me out.

Panicky thoughts race through my mind as I study his face, and I expect the worst.

"Okay, what about?" I ask hesitantly.

"Let's sit." He tells me, and we sit at the table together in an awkward air. I'm really nervous now.

"Alright so here it is. I'm moving in with Winry." Well, I was not expecting that. I gape at him.

"Wh...what about me?" I stammer, feeling foolish for even asking such a question. I should be able to take care of myself, but I just need more time. Why did he have to spring this on me now?

He sighs, seeming to have expected me to say that. That just makes me feel even worse.

"You'll have the apartment to yourself." He tells me, and I sink back into my chair. Then he adds, "I'll still help pay the rent until you find another job."

I frown and look at my feet. I should have seen this coming. I hadn't realized they were so serious, though.

"Anyway, what were you trying to tell me before?" He changes the subject, but my mind is still stuck on being alone in this shitty apartment.

I look up at him blankly. "Eh, ano … I just came up with some ideas for Ed's band. It's really not a big deal, Ling." I really downplay what we were doing. I just don't feel like being excited anymore.

"Ah, that sounds good. You really should be out looking for another job, though, not playing boy-band with the kids." He states bluntly, and I give him a hurt look. Why does he have to be so practical?

"Don't look at me like that, Envy-chan! You know I'm right. You need to live in the real world now, like me. I'm moving on and so should you."

I bite my lip as he speaks, and put my chin in my palm.

"Boku wa shitteiru yo." I mutter irritably, and he drops it. He's right. I know he is, but I can't stop thinking that we're really onto something here. It felt really magical to be working on the music seriously like that, and to create beautiful results. I felt a certain cultural pride in singing some lyrics in my mother tongue too. It just felt right.

_I won't stop what I'm doing. I'll make it work with Ed somehow._

Ling leaves shortly thereafter and I find myself alone once more. He's already started moving his things, I note as I notice boxes piling up along the walls. I wish so badly that Ed could stay with me but that could never work with his age. Maybe if I call him he'd be willing to sneak out and stay with me, at least for tonight. I don't want to be alone.

* * *

Later, I make the decision to call him and he agrees instantly to coming over. I know I just spent the last several hours with him but I already miss him.

He attacks me with kisses the second he sees me, clearly being happy to be alone with me for once. There's almost always someone else in the house with us when we're together at his place.

"Edward." My lips curl upwards into a genuine smile against his as we kiss and he runs his fingers to the back of my head pulling me closer.

I find it utterly adorable that he has to stand on his tippy-toes to kiss me, but I would never tell him that. I don't need him developing a complex over his height. Instead I merely wrap my arms around his smaller body and enjoy the closeness.

Once I pull away, we both have to catch our breath from the heated kiss. I lead him to my room and I climb into bed, motioning for him to come with me. We sit beside each other and I inch closer, leaning in to kiss the nape of his neck. He smells so good, and he intoxicates my senses as I drag my lips lightly over his collarbone. He shudders, and I hope it's with pleasure.

"En, you don't know what that does to me." He half-jokes, and I smirk. Oh, but I do. I don't stop, either. I pull his shirt off, and he tugs at my pants. Ed runs his fingertips over my bare thighs once they are free. I wince as they near the branded scar of the Ouroboros, but he merely brushes past it and says nothing. I wonder if he even notices my imperfections.

I know I don't notice his. I don't think he has any.

He kisses the inside of my knee, and his fingers inch towards my growing erection. I bite the inside of my cheek as he closes them around my half-hard dick still in my boxers.

He closes the distance between our hips, parting my thighs so he can press his bulge against mine. I groan at the contact, and he grinds against me slowly in a sort of dry-humping way.

As much as I like what he's doing now, I want more.

I decide to use my size to my advantage and grab him, flipping him over and effectively switching our positions. I don't think he expected that, and he lays beneath me with slightly widened eyes.

I arch my body over his and take his mouth with my own in a passionate kiss as my hands feel down his muscular, but petite body. He moans into the kiss as I rub our erections against each other just as he was doing.

I think he knows what I intend to do, because he parts his thighs willingly and accepts my body between them. I realize I don't have any lube like he did, so I improvise and smile at him as I put a finger to his lower lip. "Give me some lubrication, will you." I ask him in a husky voice, and he accepts the digit without question.

I sort of like this new obedient Edward.

He sucks on my finger, and I insert one more and rub his wet tongue with them. He groans and closes his eyes, before I withdraw them and lower my hand between his legs. I find his entrance and rub my fingers against the tight ring, slick with Ed's own saliva.

He seems to enjoy the feeling and he arches his back, moving his hips against my hand. I insert one finger inside him, feeling the muscle stretch around it and he bites his lip. He doesn't seem to be in pain, but I guess he's used to this sort of thing. I try not to think about that, though.

"More, Envy." He begs me, and I slip my other finger inside his warm cavity. I begin to slowly finger his ass, pushing the tips against his inner walls to find his sensitive mass of nerves. He groans and grinds his hips in time with my movements, and I decide that's enough and I stop. I look down at his form, and he's starting to breath a little harder. His hair is fanned around his head attractively and his big golden eyes are looking at me with desire. I love it when he looks at me like that, and I want more.

I position my hardened member against his now supple asshole, and slowly begin to push the head past his tight barrier. His body accepts me easily, and it almost feels like he's sucking me in. I'm fully sheathed in no time, and Ed's breathing hitches as I fill him.

"Envy," Ed moans out my name, and the sound of it makes my cock pulse inside of him. I move my hips against his, and I slowly gain a steady rhythm and his hips grind back against mine instinctually.

I take in the sight of him writhing beneath me, his whole body squirming with pleasure. I can barely hold back from just pounding hard into his warm tightness, but he nods at me when he sees the look on my face. He's giving me permission, I think. I bite my lip as I begin to thrust faster and harder, making him moan out. His face almost looks like he's in pain, but I know better. I take my hand and reach for his erection, gripping it tightly and pumping it in time with my thrusts.

"Fuck, Envy. If you do that I'm gonna—Nnng," he groans, and his body tweaks and shudders as I feel his cock swell hotly in my hand. Slick precome leaks from his slit and it coats my hand.

"Kimi wa totemo utsukushīdesu." I moan, caught up in the moment and forgetting to speak English. Ed doesn't even look at me weird, he seems to be even more aroused by my words. He gives a violent arch of his back and climaxes with a loud cry. His release comes in harsh spurts that coat my belly, and I feel his walls clench and close in hard around my shaft. I can't handle seeing him orgasm and it sends me over the edge. I see stars as I come hard inside him, filling him with my seed.

When the waves of pleasure finally cease, I pull out of him and fall to my side next to him. He's panting softly, and he's glowing with sweat from the effort. He's so beautiful.

"I love you, En." He whispers with his eyes softly closed. My heart skips a beat when he says those words, and I find a ridiculous grin creeping onto my face.

"Aishiteru mo, Edward-san." I murmur, and he seems to understand what I'm saying because he leans in and takes my lips in a sweet kiss.

He looks like he's going to fall asleep at any moment, so I take it upon myself to clean up and then cover him with the blanket as he snoozes.

We've been much more intimate with each other since I found him with Russ. I guess I've been trying to give him enough so that he won't want to stray.

I wonder how much it's going to take.

I do have trouble keeping my mind off my brother, but I know there's nothing I can do about it right now. We just have to keep working and training toward the goal.

One month.

And with that I put away all thoughts of Wrath and turn on my side in bed to face my lover. He decided to stay the night after all, I suppose, since he fell asleep. It's our first night actually sleeping in the same bed, and the sight of him so peaceful looking beside me brings warmth to my chest. I feel like it's the ultimate sign of trust when you can sleep next to someone else without worry. I lay my head beside his and drape one arm over his side and sigh happily. I feel content in this moment with him, and I hope it never ends.

If I died now, I would go happy.

* * *

End notes:

I realize I'm putting more and more Japanese in here and while I try to make most of it obvious what it means during the story, I figure I'll start putting some translations as well to make things easier.

Amazora ni hoshitachi ga.

In the rainy sky there are stars.

Boku wa shitteiru yo.

I know.

Kimi wa totemo utsukushīdesu.

You are so beautiful.

Aishiteru mo.

I love you too.

Also, in case you guys are wondering, the song I'm using for this chapter is Living Dolls by ONE OK ROCK ! My favorite J-rock band!

Envy's singing voice would be something like Skillet Nightcore, which sounds a lot like his English dub voice. :-)


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